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>The Gauntlet: Dead Deer Loving Edition

18 November 2010

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W00t! The Gauntlet is back! I promise I’ll get Yager in January. Next up, Chuck Schwartz from Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets.

RWD: So, I noticed your team was swept at home by UND this past weekend. How did that occur?

CS: Coming out guns blazing eh? A veteran team played much better than our inexperienced team. They also cheated a lot.

RWD: That’s rough. How frustrating. It really makes you want to check an empty net, doesn’t it?

CS: I’m actually shocked this wasn’t the first thing out of your mouth. [Or off of my fingers, since this is the Internet.] At least he didn’t get a running start from the red line like Hirsch…and then go lay his stick at center ice.

RWD: Well, he didn’t want Eaves to beat him.

CS: Wow.

RWD: I went there!

CS: That was settled out of court.

RWD: I’m sure it was.

CS: Actually, I have no idea, but it sounded good.

RWD: I hope on Judge Judy.

CS: Shes hot. [Horrifying.] I wonder if she played for the Lady Bulldogs? [Chuck is a sexist pig who thinks that it’s okay for men’s teams to be called by the school nickname while women’s teams have to have the word “Lady” qualifying them.]

RWD: Never heard of them. But has moving to St. Cloud tainted your taste in women or something?

CS: Clearly you haven’t seen the girls I roll with. My view has always been tainted.

RWD: Or perhaps their views are the only ones that haven’t been tainted. [If there are any actual girls with which he rolls.]

CS: Call it what you want to call it.

RWD: So, who has retired more? You or Brett Favre? [Chuck retires from blogging every time someone “steals” a story from him. He’s like a little kid who says they’re running away from home.]

CS: Probably me, but he’s sent out more pictures of his little gun slinger than I have. For those keeping track at home, that’s zero for me.

RWD: The whole world thanks you. [Yikes.]

CS: You have no idea…

RWD: I… don’t even want to know. [I stared at the sun in an attempt to blind myself.] So, speaking of tragedies. What happened against BC?

CS: Arguably the worst day of my life, second to only learning that Four Loko is coming off the shelves.

RWD: Ugh, that was all that flirting between you and Joe [of Pro Hockey Talk] last night [on Twitter].

CS: Flirting? I call it helping a brother out. As for the game, I blame it on me actually attending, I didn’t go in 2006 and they finished the job. Detroit sucks by the way.

RWD: Wow, what other surprising facts can you tell me? I did not know this! Parking Wars Detroit is amazing, btw.

CS: Duluth has never won an NCAA title. [Interesting non sequitur.]

RWD: I find this acceptable. Then I can see the first one. They were one [poopy] bounce away from one.

CS: You sound like a Sioux fan with your excuses.

RWD: I stated one fact! [And I didn’t blame the refs!]

CS: I’d blame it on the bad air they suck in at the DECC on the reg. [What?] That place sucked.

RWD: Ah, we can’t all play in basketball arenas where senile old men hold up stupid signs.

CS: As opposed to DHG running around the rink after goals?

RWD: He doesn’t do that anymore. Biddco does. Sometimes a blowup doll does. [Kelly Clarkson!]

CS: I remember going to a game at the DECC when I was a kid and being like, who is this old guy running around the building?

RWD: Kids. Thinking everyone’s old. [Really. I mean, DHG wasn’t that old. He is now.]

CS: And by kid I mean like… 15.

RWD: When are they going to pull Phil’s plug anyway?

CS: Bah…Phil’s the man. Can’t fault the old guy for getting the fans going. He’s a legend.

RWD: He’s a senile nincompoop. So were you a Crease Creature? [That’s those raving lunatics in the student section who know nothing about hockey.]

CS: I’ve been an unofficial Crease Creature. Never went to school in Madison. I chose the Harvard of the west. [Whatever that is.]

RWD: Well, tUMD is the Harvard of the MIDwest.

CS: I almost went to [t]UMD. But then I visited and saw the girls there.

RWD: Intimidated by all the hotties? I can see that.

CS: Yep, way out of my league.

RWD: So why are there so many bloggers on your site? Or, the site on which you blog. [He doesn’t have admin privileges!]

CS: Most of us are lazy, so when one of us feels like taking some time off, someone else is supposed to step up. Key word there is “supposed.” It’s also so that we can put bloggers like you to shame.

RWD: How could a good, CREATIVE blogger like me be shamed?

CS: Creative? Did you even make your own banner on your site?

RWD: Yes.

CS: Well that burn fell through. [Hahahahahaha!]

RWD: Who did you think made it?

CS: Someone with some talent, like a male. [See! Oink oink oink!]

RWD: Funny how I’ve outlasted many a male blogger.

CS: Why don’t you blog about the lady Bulldogs?

RWD: There aren’t any lady Bulldogs. Where did you steal “Sixty Minutes, No Alibis, No Regrets” from? A Mike Eruzione motivational speech?

CS: Chris Stafne recommended it to us.

RWD: He has no alibis, but probably regrets.

CS: I would hope.

RWD: So, who’s your favorite opponent’s beat writer?

CS: Brad Elliott Schlossman, only because he has 3 names. And because he loves “Entourage” and “To Catch a Predator.”

RWD: I have three names, too. Don’t you?

CS: Only when my mom is pissed.

RWD: Well, move out of her basement.

CS: Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it. I now live almost 3 hours from her basement. Thank God…

RWD: How tragic. I thought you might have said Roman [Augustovitz, of the Star Tribune] was your favorite.

CS: I thought the question was favorite, not most incompetent.

RWD: Hey, he’s always right on top of stories.

CS: …that he reads on other peoples sites.

RWD: Only 6 hours or so after they’re on Twitter, he’s fresh!

CS: I love his tweets at like 2-3 AM. Just marathon tweeting sessions, like anyone is actually reading them (besides me). [He always tweets in the third person, referring to himself as “Eye.” Or maybe he can’t spell “I.”]

RWD: Let’s play a word association game. Or, rather, I will give you two words and you pick which one you prefer. Don’t think about it, just react.

CS: Oh boy. [I know! Games are fun!]

RWD: Elliott or Bruckler?

CS: Elliott. [He probably barely even knows who Bernd Bruckler is.]

RWD: Baggott or Milewski?

CS: pffff

RWD: Not a choice.

CS: Milewski.

RWD: Lenin or Trotsky?

CS: Lenin

RWD: COMMUNIST!

CS: I don’t even know who they are, beattles guy? [Dear god, the spelling.] Who the hell is Trotsky?

RWD: *facepalm*

CS: My Russian history is rusty.

RWD: Let me google that for you.

CS: Appreciate the effort.

RWD: So who do you consider to be Wisconsin’s primary rivals, other than UMTC?

CS: I’d say 1) UMTC [I said other than UMTC] 2) UND 3) Denver/UMD/St. Cloud. Everyone else can suck it

RWD: You consider tUMD a rival?

CS: With the proximity, yeah. But only when they don’t suck… which is few and far between I guess. [Grammar!] So we’re rivals every five years or so. [Chuck is so depressed that I don’t rise to the bait.]

RWD: What about Michigan or the Fartans [Michigan State]?

CS: Muck Fichigan.

RWD: So I take that as a yes.

CS: Yeah, I’m not smart enough to think about things like that. They are probably ahead of Denver/UMD/Cloud. Ann Arbor is still a [woman of low morals].

RWD: Yes, I know, I went to Illinois.

CS: Gasp.

RWD: Are you excited for the B10HC? And Penn State’s immediate and total domination of everyone?

CS: No comment.

RWD: They should probably just go pro.

CS: Honestly, if there is a Bi6 10 conference, and there will be. Penn State will be an elite program in 10 years. [No.]

RWD: Before or after tOSU?

CS: OSU’s stick will go way up with the creation of the Bi6 10 conference. [No.]

CS: stock*

RWD: Works either way. [Hee!]

CS: Zing!

RWD: Who are some of your favorite Badgers on this current team?

CS: Patrick Johnson.

RWD: I feel like that might be a lie.

CS: How dare you. I’m a fan of Zengerle, his hands are amazing.

RWD: INAPPROPRIATE.

CS: Easy, he doesn’t roll like FHG.

RWD: Oh snap! Although I think you might mean Cardinal.

CS: That too. At least FHG would probably have filled out the pre-season poll. Can’t say the same about Mr. KFAN weekly special.

RWD: So, you said UND is considered a big rival.

CS: I’d like to think so.

RWD: Well, I had a reader-submitted question on that.

CS: You have readers?

RWD: Many! This reader asked why you would start a thread that says “Let’s get hostile and abusive!” and then complain when it got hostile and abusive?

CS: That middle name you were asking about? It’s contradiction. PS… that was extremely lame.

RWD: Well I didn’t make that up, the reader did. An unnamed UND fan.

CS: I have an idea… but I won’t name names. Was he in Boogie Nights?

RWD: Er. Moving along. Who are your favorite All-Time Badgers?

CS: Dany Heatley, but only because he drives Ferraris real fast. And Steven Reinprecht, because I feel bad he got robbed for the Hobey.

RWD: Oh, Reinprick!

CS: Shouldn’t leave out Joe Pavelski. I still feel bad for getting as drunk as I did at his golf outing.

RWD: Save a horse, ride a Cuck Schwartz! [Chuck tweeted that one night this summer and I will not let him live it down. And no, that’s not a typo.]

CS: Pass that on to your friends.

RWD: I… will write it on the bathroom wall at the Sports Garden. [Girls can read it while they are throwing up!] Speaking of bars, where should tUMD fans eat, drink, and fist pump all night long this weekend?

CS: Nitty Gritty is always a hit before the game and the people are usually pretty cool but it will be packed. After the game, if you like Long Islands I suggest this place called Ram Head…it’s in the basement, and it’s shady but the long islands are huge and awesome.

RWD: What’s that one bar all the players go to? For the puck slut in all of us.

CS: KK….Kollege Klub [Kool.]

RWD: So doesn’t Wisconsin have a policy against racist teams?

CS: Yes we do actually…

RWD: Why did they just play UND in basketball then?

CS: Good question.

RWD: AHA! [Hypocrites!]

CS: Guess we were short on cupcakes this year.

RWD: Pronounce this word: “Wquinton.”

CS: W-Quinton? Wuh-quinn-ton.

RWD: So, how about some predictions for what will happen this weekend as the Bulldogs roll into Paint Thinner Nation.

CS: Well, I made my predictions this afternoon on my blog and I feel pretty confident. Like I mentioned, we haven’t lost back to back games in 62 straight contests until last weekend. There is no way we lose 3 in a row. Friday: Wisconsin 5, Duluth 3. [Fail.] Saturday: Duluth 4, Wisconsin 2. [Maybe.]

Oh crap, I forgot to ask him who the hottest Badger was. The answer is Mike Eaves.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. 18 November 2010 5:52 am

    >Thanks for having me. Glad you cleaned up my spelling and grammar a little bit!

  2. 18 November 2010 7:55 am

    >When Phil was 14 the players from every team at his high school took turns shoving him in a locker and closing the door. Now that he's outlived them all he apparently thinks someone else isn't going to do it. Phil … me … and lockers just better never happen to be in the same vicinity.Does he not have any friends or relatives that could possibly instruct him in normal human behavior?Seeing Phil makes my head go hub uh ruh ra err dug shug a rucka shug a rimmie hub ur ruh ra err ..

  3. 18 November 2010 4:40 pm

    >How is it that I somehow always end up being in every one of your gauntlets it seems like…..and get ripped on each time! BASTAGES!!!! :D

  4. 19 November 2010 4:12 am

    >So Chuck E. Schwartz is unwilling to answer valid questions from Sioux fans and he doesn't know who Trotsky is? Why did I fill out his stupid preseason poll? He's more worthless than FHG.

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