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>Ranting and Raving

9 July 2006

>Sometimes, I like to stray from the normal tone of this site and get annoyed about things. Sometimes, I just can’t restrain myself from saying bad things about other people who I’m sure are good upstanding citizens and help old ladies cross the street and drive hybrid cars and call their mothers every weekend. While I could expound for hours on the subject of that awful guy that says “wuh-rap” in the Sonic commercials (we don’t even HAVE Sonic here!), or that awful person in the Sierra Mist commercials who is also on the VH1 “I Love The” specials, that really has nothing to do with hockey. I’ll try to stay on topic here.

I know that there are announcers in hockey that inspire hatred in the eyes of the fans, i.e. Mazzocco and Woog, but I really really dislike someone who’s relatively benign. Or so he seems…
I just can’t stand Anthony LaPanta. I can’t even figure out what his purpose is: he does baseball (kind of), high school hockey, and college hockey (sort of). He might even do other things, but those other sports don’t exist to me. He’s like their utility reporter, and he’s not a Michael Cuddyer, he’s a Denny Hocking. I find him dry and boring, devoid of personality. Plus, I get that he is probably pissed that he can’t enjoy the Final Five like a fan because he has to work, but I drank enough alcohol to sedate an elephant, so he could have at least appreciated that instead of ignoring me.

This isn’t hockey-related, but it should be. I can’t stand The Worst F***ing Sports Show, Period. That’s not really the name, of course, but I’m a fan of telling it like it is. Do they even know what hockey is, question mark. I don’t understand how you could call a sports show open quotation mark the best closed quotation mark when they only seem to care about basketball open parenthesis since they always have that baboon’s ass Mark Cuban on there closed parenthesis, with a little basketball and baseball thrown in. Okay, the punctuation joke is getting old, so I’ll stop. Also, one of the hosts looks like he is on steroids. Can you guess which one? Also, if you want to be a woman on that show, you’d better have posed for Playboy, I think it’s in the job description. VOMIT.

Honorable Mention to Marney Gellner: I’m really glad that you’re not an ex-Playmate, I think it’s great that Fox hired you because you’re smart and a pretty good reporter (in my less-than-humble opinion) rather than because you were an ex-Playmate that they could teach to interview athletes, much like a chimp is taught sign language. But, honey, the bangs have got to go, among other things. My Top Secret Day Job puts me in a prime position to help you. I offered my assistance to Robbie Earl, and remember, Wives of Top Hockey Executives trust me. So, while overall I don’t hate you, I often hate what you’re wearing.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 10 July 2006 2:53 am

    >Marney > LaPantaWe don’t have Sonic either.An old friend of mine used to often bitch about this chick he hated. I think they’re married now.

  2. 10 July 2006 3:49 am

    >Trust me, I can’t even get LaPanta to notice me. HOW MUCH ALCOHOL MUST I DRINK TO DISTRACT THAT SMUG BASTARD FROM HIS DUTY??? Seriously.Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Marney. She just needs a stylist.

  3. 10 July 2006 5:38 am

    >Smug? Nah. He’s just an otherwise vacant vehicle for a voice.Bake him a spinach/zucchini lasagna.

  4. 11 July 2006 3:17 am

    >Does that recipe call for whiskey?


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