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>Domestic Violence

5 October 2006

>Sweet Georgia Brown, there’s gonna be some hockey tonight!

(Yes, a Thursday night. It’s annoying. I have to take personal time from work, since I PLANNED for the Friday night games, but somehow overlooked Thursday night as a potential game night. Wonder why…)

All I have to say is, this better be the best M-Fing exhibition game in the history of exhibition games. We’re talking hat tricks, power play goals, shorties, a total blow-out. We had better smoke Lakehead worse than we smoked Yale or Bemidji State.

Because I can’t handle any more stress. And neither can our furniture.

Yesterday, I watched the Frank Thomas Show Twins Farce Game and I nearly threw myself off the balcony. Granted, if I threw myself off my balcony, I would barely be injured, but it would be a symbolic gesture, like those people who set themselves on fire in protest. Except they actually get hurt/die. Right. Well, it seems the Twins are as inept at converting with runners in scoring position as the Bulldogs were at scoring on the power play. (Zing!) When Jason Bartlett botched a double play, doubled, nearly got picked off, messed up running to third, and then was stranded on third when no one bothered to get another hit, I beat the hell out of my couch.

This is bad, because it’s not technically my couch. Pretty soon it will legally become one of my possessions, which isn’t that exciting, considering it rivals Bruno Kirby’s “Stupid Roy Rogers Wagon Wheel Coffee Table” in tackiness, but the point is, I shouldn’t be beating the hell out of anything that isn’t mine, even if it’s only a technicality.

This is not my first outburst of Violence Against Furniture. In 2004, after the ‘Dogs lost in the Frozen Four, I pounded the crap out of the door to my bedroom, ironically breaking my very cool “I Am So Not In The Mood” doorknob hanger, and scaring my roommates and some unsuspecting visitor in the process. People in central Illinois do not understand the Hockey Rage.

Please, Bulldogs. Hockey Rage is very hazardous to the health of my possessions (and pseudo-possessions). It is also probably hazardous to my health, but that’s a secondary matter. Please do not cause a flare-up of Hockey Rage. I’ve already got a serious case of Baseball Rage that just won’t be tamed, and it’s going to send me to an early grave. Please, Bulldogs. Win one for your favorite girl.

And win one for the chair in the office quivering in fear that I may go all Koskie on it if the Baseball Rage continues.

How’s that for a motivational speech? Look out, Mike Eruzione!
Also, I did not watch today’s Twins game, since I was working, but I’m quite sure I probably would have died if I had. I’ve actually witnessed an inside the park homerun at the Metrodome before, but let me assure you, it was the Twins getting it. That’s the only kind my poor nerves can tolerate.

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