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>The Gauntlet: Dirty Old Man Edition

19 January 2007

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This week, I decided to be nice. I threw down The Gauntlet to Skeeterman, a St. Cloud Community College fan. He isn’t a blogger, but he is a giant amongst losers on USCHO. It is shorter than normal (hey, don’t everyone applaud at once), because I was late for our “meeting” and then I had to go to work. Because I do this FOR FREE, comrades.

RWD: You were suggested for this interview by MeanEGirl, since I didn’t know any St. Cloud fans worth knowing. She said you are the only St. Cloud fan who “gets it.” What does that mean, and why doesn’t anyone else “get it?”

Skeeterman: I don’t know for sure. I don’t think she was making any sexual connotations. I think she just meant that I get what it is to be a hockey fanatic who enjoys getting wacky and being a little outrageous.
RWD: Who said anything about sexual connotations? [Really, who did?] But, on that note, aren’t you secretly in love with her?
Skeeterman: She’s a hottie, that’s for sure. When Michigan Tech came here last year, I had a local pub make up a big welcome banner with a picture of her and a welcome to MEgirl and Mitch’s Misfits.
RWD: Oh, you made that sign? I saw it. Aren’t you a little old for her?
Skeeterman: I gave McRudy’s Pub the picture, and they had Budweiser make it up. They also made the famous Dahlie Llama vs. Don Lou Chia pet banner, and I have a picture of me and Doug Woog holding it up, and a picture of me and Mazocco holding it up. I might be a little old for MEgirl, but I think she prefers mature, experienced men.
RWD: Now, I’ve never met you, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say, aren’t you a little tall for her?
Skeeterman: I think a lot of guys might be a little tall for her. But as we all know, size doesn’t matter.
RWD: Oh my.
Skeeterman: My oh my
RWD: I have a reader-submitted question, which is a first on this feature. I don’t know if he wants me to reveal his identity to you, so let’s just say he’s a Gopher fan who wears a distinct helmet at games.
Skeeterman: I don’t know who that would be.
RWD: He wants to know what brand of pacemaker you use.
Skeeterman: I don’t need a pacemaker yet, but I’ve dabbled in [a little blue pill whose name I won’t print because I don’t want that kind of traffic on my site].
RWD: When MEg game to town, I’m sure.
Skeeterman: I’ll never tell. [And, I don’t want to know. So we’re in agreement here.]
RWD: Are you going to endorse any other brands on here? Such as telling me which brand of snowmobile you drive to the rink? Or do you drive your Ford F-150 extended cab?
Skeeterman: I hate snowmobiles and pick-up trucks. I prefer dog sleds and snowshoes.
RWD: Maybe you should move to Alaska. It must be better than St. Cloud.
Skeeterman: Might not be a bad idea, I’ve heard that they have some interesting customs there.
RWD: I heard there you are susceptible to Stearns County Syndrome. What is that? Is it catching?
Skeeterman: It’s not catching. It all happened before I arrived here. I’m originally from Fergus Falls. The syndrome is from inter-family marriage among the early German immigrants. [The tradition continues today!] So if a couple from Stearns County gets a divorce, the question is “Are they still cousins?” Lots of entire families afflicted with what they used to call mental retardation… not that there’s anything wrong with that, as retards are people, too.
RWD: Do you think the Stearns County Syndrome is what makes the [St. Cloud] USCHO posters so thin-skinned? Or is it the inferiority complex?
Skeeterman: I think it’s the inferiority deal suffered by some. They know who they are. It’s not that complex.
RWD: I think everyone knows who they are. [If you don’t, ask Donald!] There are a few different nicknames out there for your team. JBSU, St. Bob, St. Clown, etc. What’s your favorite?
Skeeterman: That’s a trick question. [It is???] I used to prefer the “Swoonskies”, but that was during the reign of the Llama [Craig Dahl, for those of you not in the know].
RWD: Is this the year? For an NCAA win? [No.]
Skeeterman: I think it’s going to be the best chance we’ve had for many years. The best chance should have been when we had the team that had about 5 future NHL players on it.
RWD: If you win, are you guys going to riot?
Skeeterman: They’re much more mild mannered here. There would be a celebration, but no riot. The infamous homecoming riot was started by the law enforcement people.
RWD: I thought, you know, to compete with UMTC you might.
Skeeterman: The evil empire is way different. The students at the Minnesota Rodent Academy don’t know any better.
RWD: I see. So, Dan Kronick: future NHL superstar, or just lucky to have good linemates?
Skeeterman: Kronick’s a future star only if he gets to play against UMD guys. He does have some great linemates, though, and he gets lucky sometimes.
RWD: And is ugly and pathetic.
Skeeterman: You’ve gotta love that chin, though. [No. No I do not.]
RWD: Who would you say is the most attractive guy on your team?
Skeeterman: I’m not into guys, but I think Andrew Gordon warms the cockles of many.
RWD: Wow. You are the first person to actually ANSWER that question, other than MEg!
Skeeterman: Just my observations, plus he has a major red haired groupie.
RWD: I just checked him out. He’s not THAT ugly. I probably know the answer to this already, but is there a Mrs. Skeeterman?
Skeeterman: Yes, there is. She puts up with me.
RWD: Wow, I guess I didn’t know the answer! [I was completely astonished.]
Skeeterman: As a friend of mine used to say: “I’m married, but I’m not a fanatic about it!”
RWD: Who are your favorite players, current and all-time?
Skeeterman: Favorite players: Tyler Arnason, Matt Cullen, Mark Parrish, Duvie Westcott, Dave Holum, Dave Paradise, Billy Lund, Dave Ianaazzo, Brian Lietsa, and others yet to be determined.
RWD: Wow, you really rattled that list off.
Skeeterman: They come to mind quickly. Holum was great for taunting. If he drew a penalty from the other guys, he’s come out and skate by their bench and face them all with a big grin, and sometimes toss some debris into their bench. I forgot Jeff Finger, famous for bone shattering checks.
RWD: Ah, so you like the grinders. [WARNING! The next section is not for those with weak stomachs!]
Skeeterman: Yeah, fun to watch. He made Patrick Eaves give up his breakfast, lunch, and anything else he had in his stomach. He flattened guys on a regular basis.
RWD: That’s disgusting.
Skeeterman: Disgusting, but lovely.
RWD: Does vomit really bounce on ice?
Skeeterman: Don’t know, cause he filled up their bench.
RWD: Ah. Shame. So, how about a weekend prediction for the folks at home?
Skeeterman: I would say Huskies sweep, Friday, 4-2, Saturday 5-3. [So, Tech’s going to sweep Alaska-Anchorage. MEg will be happy. And St. Cloud is going DOWN!]
RWD: There might be some vomiting this weekend, too. The flu has been going around the UMD bench. And what about The Kronick?
Skeeterman: Kronick is ready to go, no flu here. I sit right behind the opponents bench.
RWD: I mean, how many points?
Skeeterman: Kronick gets a hat trick Friday, with 2 assists; Saturday, 2 goals, 2 assist.
RWD: I say ZERO POINTS. Are you going to throw batteries at me now?
Skeeterman: Never, that’s only Gopher fans who throw the batteries and then blame it on Husky fans. [Uh huh…]
And there were some who said he’d never agree to an interview…
Now, LET’S GO BULLDOGS!!!!!!!!!!
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5 Comments leave one →
  1. 20 January 2007 1:46 am

    >When the Mavs aren’t playing at home, Mankato gets the SCSU games on the local channel (because Charter carries both)…so I’m watching the Dogs/Dogs game and they just interviewed Kronick. Holy mother of ugliness. I wish I had a tape in so I could have taped it to send to you. Not only is he a big ugly doof, but he can’t talk at all! Looked and sounded like he came straight from the trailer house on the back 40 someplace up North that doesn’t have running water and that his parents are first cousins. HOLY! You would have LOVED the interview. He tried to talk about the “rivalry” between himself and UMD and it took him THREE times to say “rivalry”. Wow…

  2. 20 January 2007 1:50 am

    >They just had him on AGAIN and I figured out what’s so disturbing about him. He’s got a nasty underbite and when he talks he flips his tougne around…so he LOOKS like a bulldog. I’m not even kidding! I bet he left UMD because he was confused with CHAMP one too many times!

  3. 20 January 2007 3:05 am

    >He is so gross.But when he talks about UMD, I guess I’m not surprised he’s still smarting. An elephant never forgets.

  4. 20 January 2007 10:55 pm

    >LaP can’t even skate.

  5. 29 January 2007 9:36 pm

    >E-mail me at puckswami1@yahoo.com

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