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>Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead

4 November 2008


It’s been tough times for Scotty “The Saint” Sandelin. He’s been out from under the thumb of crime boss Dean “Blazer” Blais for eight years and he’s still trying to go legit. His Bulldogs haven’t had the greatest of years these past few years, and a few years ago they majorly pissed off another pillar of the mob community, “The Man With The Plan,” also known as “Curious George.” Apparently The Saint owed a debt to Curious George, and he called in the note. The Man With The Plan wanted his boys to get shaken up, get ready for the playoffs, and he wanted The Saint and his boys to surprise the Pioneers with a little upset in the first game of the playoffs, you know, to keep them hungry and all. (Here’s what actually happened. But don’t go here if you don’t like Christopher Walken, bad words, or hobos being beaten up. And if that is the case, I feel like it’s best if you and I part ways.) Sandelin had no choice but to gather together a group of his best guys and carry out the Man’s orders.

Well, we all know what happened there. Sandelin’s boys got a little crazy and ended up taking out the Pioneers entirely. Not only did they miss the Final Five, but they also failed to make the NCAA tournament despite being finishing 2nd in the WCHA. And The Man With The Plan was not happy.

Today after the WCHA coaches had their conference call and Sandelin showed up to practice looking totally freaked out.

“What’s the matter, Coach?” asked Josh “Easy Wind” Meyers. But he didn’t get an answer, The Saint just stared.

“Really, Sandy, what’s the deal?” Critical Nick [really, Nick, I am sorry that you had to be this guy… if you haven’t seen the movie, you just don’t want to know] pressed him for answers. He exchanged a look with Matt “Pieces” Greer and Andrew “Franchise” Carroll. They all know something is up.

Finally, The Saint opened his mouth and uttered a single word. “Buckwheats.”

Silence. Finally Franchise sputtered “Buckwheats?” The Saint repeated, “Buckwheats.”

It was silent for a moment as a look of horror fell over the face of every senior on the team.

“What’s ‘buckwheats?'” piped up Mike Connolly, confused. The guys shot him death stares. “Geez, never mind, eh?”

The rest of the guys got up to start their practice, not realizing the severity of the situation. The seniors and The Saint stayed seated, shell-shocked.

“Who are they sending?” asked Critical Nick. “Goal Czar Salazar? Brock the Rock?”

“He’s dead,” Easy Wind said.

“Oh yeah. So who is it?”

Still with his thousand-yard stare, The Saint replies “Mr. Shh.” And with a collective intake of breath, all the seniors realize they are about to come face to face with their own mortality. Mr. Shh, whose real name is Rhett Rakhshani, is known for killing his opponents slowly, drawing penalties by falling on the ice if so much as the breeze from an opponent passes his way, then whining like a little baby until the Pioneers get a power play, which is where he takes his kill shot.

It’s an epic battle, folks. Mr. Shh and the Pioneers vs. The Saint, Franchise Carroll, Critical Nick, Easy Wind Meyers, Pieces Greer and the rest of the seniors. Evil vs. Good. Boys vs. Men. Stupid Fat Creatures In Coonskin Caps vs. Bulldogs. And it’s not going to be settled tonight, so stay tuned for this weekend.

Is anyone even going to understand this post?? It’s not that obscure of a movie, is it??? Oh well. It’s late. Just appreciate the genius.

One Comment leave one →
  1. 4 November 2008 9:47 pm

    >UMD Sucks!


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