>or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love When Stalock Plays The Puck*
Friday, November 14th. Late afternoon. Somewhere in Northern Minnesota.
It’s the height of the Cold War. Brigadier General Scott Sandelin has discovered a communist plot to overthrow the city of Duluth. “They are bringing us down from the inside,” he insists to his Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colonel Watson, Lt. Colonel Rohlik, Major May, Captain Larson, Commander Hoppe, and Private First Class Hoagy. “Those commie bastards are making the DECC fall apart!”
Silence. Then CAPT Larson says, “Uhhh, General? I don’t know if…” but sort of trails off. COL Watson finishes for him, “Yeah, Coach, that is, I mean, General… the DECC has been falling apart for years. Like, in 1984. It was falling apart then.” And General Sandelin is all, “Whatever dude, I was at North Dakota then… but I’M NOT A FASCIST!!!!” The last part, delivered in a booming voice normally reserved for times when a team gives up 3 goals in the first period and plays like total crap against some no-name freshman goalie, takes the rest of the war room aback. “The commies are going to attack tonight. I have reliable intel that says Premier Eaves is planning on launching an all-out nuclear assault on the harbor tonight. We have to act fast and nuke them before they nuke us. There’s no time for argument.” And he forces LTCOL Rohlik to turn his launch key so they can activate their arsenal.
Addressing his forces later on, General Sandelin gives a rousing speech. “Your Commie has no regard for human life, not even of his own. For this reason men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or in strength. He may even appear in the form of our own players. But however we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to the offensive zone. Now, I’m going to give you THREE SIMPLE rules: First, trust NO one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 20 feet of the goal crease is to be FIRED UPON; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions later. I would sooner accept a few penalties through “accidents” rather losing the entire game through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the eight years it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the nation is counting on us. We’re not going to let them down. Good luck to you all.”
President Bob Nygaard finds out about this from MAJ May, and is disturbed. “Major May, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.” “That’s right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so,” MAJ May answers nervously. “And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.” Pres. Nygaard realizes the severity of this situation and calls upon the mysterious Dr. StrangeGlove, who wears a black goalie glove that sometimes attempts to strangle him or snatch a phantom puck out of the air. Dr. StrangeGlove informs the President of how desperate their circumstances are. Evidently, the Red Army has a Doomsday Device, which will automatically destroy all life on earth if
the Soviet Union Wisconsin was destroyed. So, while an entire fleet of wings and defencemen are ready to destroy the Red Army, they have no idea that they are about to destroy the entire world as well.
Pres. Nygaard manages to recall all but one of the B52s from its mission. However, there is one man who cannot be stopped, who is hell-bent on destroying the commies at any cost.
*Ok, that’s a lie. Nothing could possibly make me stop worrying. I worry whenever the puck is anywhere near the net. The only time I’m ever calm when a puck is near a net is when it’s our opponent’s.