>The Gauntlet: Orca Edition
RWD: Are there any particular UMD players that are targeted this weekend? Or should they just all be on alert for an airlift to Minneapolis?
BG: ‘Cause UND is a headhunting team now. Nice. No, since Malone will obviously be brought down by the WCHA Wheel of Justice (c) Joe Yerdon, I think UMD should be fine.
RWD: Ah, so Malone acted alone? [Brandon is under the incorrect assumption that Brad Malone is the only player on UND capable of such infractions.]
BG: What is this, a game of Clue? Malone at the Engelstad with a Warrior Stick?
RWD: I was wondering if the orders came down from on high. Like from Hakstol. Or Virg Foss.
BG: Could have been Goon. [This is true.] He’s a fan of old-time hockey
RWD: Ah, he’s a fan of career- or life-threatening injuries. How is it that UND fans are so passionate about hockey, but don’t bother to learn the rules?
BG: ‘Cause UND fans can’t read. [Or spell.] I thought this was obvious. We’re just a bunch of sugar beet farmers that like blaming the refs for our losses. [And harping on the refs when you win, too!]
RWD: You’re not a sugar beet farmer. You’re a co-pilot.
BG: Shhhhh, don’t tell Happy [some USCHO person]. He’ll be blown away that not all of us are sugar beet farmers.
RWD: Well, it can’t really be hard to be a co-pilot. It’s mostly a figurehead role.
BG: It’s like your job, except it involves more skill.
RWD: It can’t be too skillful to sit there and watch the actual pilot work. Although it must be tempting to touch the shiny buttons.
BG: Yeah, sometimes he lets me sit on his lap and steer. [Whoa! TMI!]
RWD: Do you blog while flying?
RWD: On your Sioux blog or on your Baby Dinosaur blog?
BG: On my third blog.
RWD: Ravings of a Lunatic? [What third blog? Oh, wait, I see, the Baby Dino blog isn’t the same as the sparkly one.]
BG: Sure, whatever.
RWD: So why did you choose to start a blog?
BG: I have that kind of time to write down pointless thoughts? [Not sure why he’s asking me.]
RWD: And why did you choose to name it Inspiration Stardust Dreams? Is it because you are a chick?
BG: That’s not mine, homeslice. [Lies! It lists him as an author!]
RWD: Sure it isn’t. And now you have a workout blog as well? [Okay, that’s the Baby Dino blog. Which… good lord.]
BG: You’d know. [He’s uncooperative.]
RWD: This is read by a vast audience, they may not know!
BG: Yeah, real vast. From sea to shining sea. [He doubts me!]
RWD: I have readers in Connecticut, California, Florida, Texas, Colorado…
BG: So my statement is not [i]naccurate. [It was sarcastic though.]
RWD: I’ll say it’s accurate, rather than use a double negative [and spell the word wrong]. What do you think UND’s new nickname will be?
BG: I’m guessing nothing. It’ll stay as University of North Dakota.
RWD: I heard the killer whales might be a good choice. And you could be their mascot. [Dirty famously said about this picture, “Put a white dot under your arm and you’d be Shamu.”]
BG: I was in the process of swimming 1500 meters. When’s the last time you hopped on a treadmill?
RWD: Generally I run outside. [HAH! And here he thought he was going to get me!]
BG: You run?
RWD: With the ‘Dogs. [Actual running is without them.]
BG: ba dum crash [I… guess that was a rim shot?]
RWD: How long have you been a UND fan?
BG: Since ’99, when I knew that’s where I wanted to go to school.
RWD: I don’t know if the UND staff is a fan of you though. Certainly not Hakstol. And Katie O’Keefe [former intermission hostess-type person] was not a fan.
BG: Maybe it’s cause I said someone should shoot her. [I can’t imagine why someone would object to that!] Hak and I are cool though.
RWD: Well, wasn’t he the one that called the [REA] cops [aka the Gestapo] on you for that remark?
BG: No, he was not.
RWD: Despite their familial relationship? [Katie is Hak’s sister-in-law.]
BG: Hak doesn’t read the board. He’s not Jamie Russell.
RWD: A booster probably pays someone to read the board for Hak. Do you play hockey?
BG: Yes, you already know this. Instead of asking me, be like “Geist plays hockey,” then we can move on. [This isn’t my first rodeo, son.]
RWD: I am in charge here. What position do you usually play?
BG: Center or left wing.
RWD: And also puncher of chicks, right?
BG: Can’t take it, get the f*** off the ice.
RWD: That’s the UND way. So what if Aaron Marvin had hit Brad Malone in the same way [as Brad Malone hit Jesse Martin]? Do you think UND fans would call it a clean hit? [Um, duh, no.]
BG: No, because Aaron Marvin is a lowly piece of scum who has a reputation for dirty hits. Nothing he does is clean. He should be banned from hockey for life.
RWD: So it depends on the person delivering the hit. The exact same hit, mind you.
BG: If it happens against UND, it’s obviously a dirty hit. Anybody else, it’s clean.
RWD: Well, at least you can admit your faults. [Hypocrisy!]
BG: Don’t fault me for this. [I do.] I’m speaking on behalf of all Sioux fans.
RWD: I’m sure they are pleased. How many UND games a year do you attend?
BG: Dunno. [This is not a difficult question.]
RWD: I didn’t know you were innumerate.
BG: Fine, 8-10. [I am not sure this is accurate.]
RWD: Do you dress in full UND regalia? Like a nice jersey?
BG: No, it sucks. Dirty has reminded me of this numerous times.
RWD: What exactly is wrong with your jersey?
BG: Dirty says it sucks and Dirty is a jersey hooker [which is not the same thing as a Jersey hooker], so he obviously knows. [It has multiple mistakes.]
RWD: So you and Dirty went to games together in school?
BG: He sat with his friends, I sat with mine.
RWD: He had friends?
BG: Flanders until he jacked Dirty’s Playstation. [I had no follow-up questions.]
RWD: So you were not friends?
BG: We just sat with different people. Keep in mind he was like an 11-year senior.
RWD: So he was a creepy old dude.
BG: Still is. Not as creepy as Brent though.
RWD: Well, he doesn’t write checks, so no.
BG: Writing checks does not make Brent creepy, it makes him a moron.
RWD: Well, what makes Brent creepy?
BG: Have you ever seen him?
RWD: Ah, yes. So can UND possibly win this weekend without Brad Malone around to decapitate someone?
BG: I guess anything is possible but I’m going with unlikely.
RWD: So you think UND will get swept by tUMD?
BG: That’s what I’m calling, yes.
RWD: Hm. I haven’t seen sandbagging like this since…last spring in North Dakota!
BG: How am I sandbagging? UND is missing a lot of players this weekend, their goaltending is horrid. You tell me why UND has a chance against UMD.
RWD: Because UND typically stomps the shit out of UMD no matter how the teams are performing?
BG: So you’re sandbagging? [No, I’m a realist.]
RWD: We’ll see who is bagging sand. Who is the hottest player on the UND squad? Men’s, not women’s. [So he could not select Ms. Lamoureux or Ms. Lamoureux-Kolls.]
BG: Trupper. [Meh, he doesn’t do it for me.]
RWD: Interesting. Why is Brad Miller Time still called Brad Miller Time if its namesake is not involved?
BG: Because it’s legendary. [No.] It was on ESPNU. [No one watches that!] It’s a marketable brand. Yes, I am comparing BMT to Coca-Cola or Budweiser.
RWD: It’s certainly comparable to Budweiser in terms of quality. [Hi-yoooooo!]
BG: You don’t like it, why do you watch it?
RWD: I don’t watch it. But its existence offends me. I hear you are getting married soon.
BG: I think he’s getting invited.
RWD: Wow, you love to rub salt in a wound, don’t you?
BG: He’s mature, I’m mature [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA], we’ll be fine.
RWD: I see. I’m planning to send a gift.
BG: I don’t want whatever you’re sending. [Jeez, I guess I’ll take back the Porsche then.]
RWD: Just some monogrammed towels to celebrate your wedding and name change. BS and TS.
BG: Oh I’m changing my name? Wow.
RWD: Dirty and I were unsurprised.
BG: Didn’t realize you and Dirty were that close.
RWD: Hey, what you don’t know could fill an ocean, Shamu.
BG: Says the woman who needs two seats at the X to fit her fat ass.
RWD: [Some stuff I had to take out.] F***, I’ll have to take that out. Who are your favorite UND players? Past and present?
BG: Parise and Oshie of the past [uh, wow, that’s not that far back], and currently I like Kristo [who is sucking hardcore under the pressure of being on Team Cougar] and Trupp [in that special tingly way].
RWD: How will UND win the games this weekend?
BG: By making sure every UMD player leaves on a stretcher. [See! Malone didn’t act alone!]
RWD: And how will they lose?
BG: By standard WCHA officiating. [Wahhhhh wahhhh!]
RWD: Score predictions?
BG: Friday – UMD 4, UND 2. Saturday – UMD 2, UND 0. [More like UND 6, UMD 1 and UND 8, UMD 0. Yikes.]
RWD: All right, I appreciate your participation. I’m giving you the Hakstol salute right now.
BG: Right back at you.