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Leaked! UMD Women’s Head Coach Job Posting

10 February 2015

Comrades, I know the season isn’t over yet, and I know the search for the next head coach of UMD women’s hockey hasn’t officially begun, but I have found a preliminary posting for the position.

Job Code and Title (0000) Head Coach, Women’s Hockey
Position Title Head Coach, Women’s Hockey
Job Code 0000
Requisition Number 123456
Position Category Faculty and Instructional
Appointment Term A = 12 months
Appointment Type Multi-year Contract
Work Hours 40
Work Days M-S
Total Hours or % Appointment 100%
Full/Part-time Full-Time
Starting Rate 70 cents on the dollar of what an average men’s coach makes
Department Name UMD Department of Athletics
College or Admin Unit N/A
Campus Location Duluth
Job Open Date 06-01-2015
Job Close Date Open Until Filled
Internal Promotional Consideration ABSOLUTELY NOT
Required/Preferred Qualifications

REQUIRED QUALIFICATIONS

  • Heterosexual.
  • Conventionally attractive (if female. If male, who cares?)
  • Nice.
  • Meek.
  • Soft-spoken. If female, speak only when spoken to. Do not engage in any civil rights campaigns. Do not swear. Do not mention inequity in resources.
  • Head up national task force to repeal Title IX, because don’t you women already have everything you want?
  • Recruit English-speaking American Minnesotan players exclusively.
  • Fill stands for all home games in order to justify the existence of the program. No freebies allowed.
  • Personally apologize to season ticket holders, boosters, and taxpayers of the state of Minnesota for any loss to Minnesota or Wisconsin.
  • Accept significantly less pay than men’s hockey counterparts of similar background, and feel that is justified because their job and their team are more important.
  • Lobby for rule changes to allow checking in women’s hockey.
  • Alternatively, lobby for name change of sport because it isn’t really hockey.
  • Curtsy or bow before and after addressing any on- or off-ice official, Athletic Department staff member, booster, or men’s hockey fan. Keep eyes downcast in deference during conversation.
  • Turn profit in first season of coaching, else fold the program.

PREFERRED QUALIFICATIONS

  • Have watched at least one live hockey game, or completed one season in NHL ’15.

Application Instructions The University of Minnesota requires that you apply online for this position. For a complete position description and information on how to apply online, visit https://employment.umn.edu/applicants/Central?quickFind=123456

A complete application includes a cover letter, resume/CV, current contact information for three references, and coaching philosophy statement (Additional Doc 1).

Complete applications will be reviewed beginning June 1, 2015 and continue until the position is filled. Questions should be addressed to Josh Berlo at [redacted] or 218-[redacted].

Any offer of employment is contingent upon the successful completion of a background check. Our presumption is that prospective employees are eligible to work here. Criminal convictions do not automatically disqualify finalists from employment. Having once had a Russian player whose former coach lied about compensating her does disqualify candidates, as does any mention of Title IX, equal pay, women’s rights, marriage equality, sequinned blazers, or Kathryn Martin.

If you need a reasonable accommodation for any part of the application and hiring process, please contact the University of Minnesota Disability Specialist at [redacted].

Smoking is prohibited on all UMD property. The smoking ban includes indoor facilities and the campus grounds, as well as all University vehicles. We will let you chew tobacco wherever you want.

Individuals from underrepresented groups are discouraged from applying.

The University of Minnesota is an equal opportunity educator and employer.

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28 Comments leave one →
  1. Charlie @ HockeyBias permalink
    10 February 2015 10:06 pm

    You do indeed live in a parallel universe… You could have taken this approach to parody and really done something with it, but this is such garbage.

  2. Ashlee permalink
    11 February 2015 1:14 pm

    And it looks like I am still looking for a Miller supporter to take the high road…

    • Matilda permalink
      11 February 2015 9:20 pm

      And how, pray tell, are you exhibiting this “high road”?

      • Ashlee permalink
        12 February 2015 9:09 am

        Simple, I haven’t bullied people such as supporters as I will remain nameless. Frankly I am not saying all the reasons that Shannon should be gone, one of which is because I will get bullied by supporters as I have seen countless times. And also because I doesn’t matter.I am just sick of Miller Supporters not respecting other peoples opinion. And frankly I don’t need to take the high road because I am not trying to get the university to change their mind. But the way supporters are being disrespectful to UMD and Miller being disrespectful to her current employer, will not gain you what you want. Nothing will change no matter how many comments, emails, rallys, there are.
        Taking the high road, is acknowledging that she isn’t meeting her job expectations. If I am not meeting my job expectations and I get fired I understand, and move on. It’s quite simple.

  3. Ashlee permalink
    11 February 2015 1:22 pm

    There is humor and parody, and I can understand that, but taking it too far has lost respect of your followers regardless which side they are for. Your immaturity shows in this post.

    • 11 February 2015 2:56 pm

      I’m afraid your expectations of this site are too high. I suggest not reading in the future if a post like this makes you mad. The archives are full of other irreverent, rude, snarky, sarcastic, juvenile, offensive posts, and there will surely be more to come.

      • Ashlee permalink
        11 February 2015 3:58 pm

        Well at least you can admit they are juvenile.
        I didn’t really have any sort of expectation of reading this blog.
        I’m just trying to find a Miller supporter with class, and between you and the FB page it’s quite I’ve had no luck.
        But I guess that’s to be expected. A woman with no class will have no supporters with class

      • 11 February 2015 4:31 pm

        Doesn’t seem like you have much, either.

      • Ashlee permalink
        11 February 2015 5:25 pm

        How so?

      • Ashlee permalink
        11 February 2015 5:26 pm

        I also noted you didn’t deny it…

      • 11 February 2015 5:53 pm

        I’m glad you noted I didn’t deny something. I can’t note that you noted it because I don’t know what you’re referring to.

      • Ashlee permalink
        12 February 2015 9:09 am

        Do you even know what you’re talking about anymore?

      • 12 February 2015 10:23 am

        You said you noted I didn’t deny “it.” I have no idea what you were referring to. But I’m glad whatever it was, you noted. Congratulations.

      • Ashlee permalink
        12 February 2015 6:21 pm

        Ok. Since you can’t figure out that it means class. You don’t deny that you have every other Miller supporter have no class.

      • 12 February 2015 7:05 pm

        Proofreading is your friend. Critical thinking is also your friend.

      • Ashlee permalink
        13 February 2015 12:16 am

        Hey, my bad I did it on my phone but I’ll clarify for you.
        You don’t deny that you don’t have, like every other Miller supporter, class.
        But hey still haven’t denied it. Rather you guys stop crying sexist and homophobic UMD and show me real facts why she should stay here.
        She won’t win her title IX case.
        She won’t get her job back.
        She’s just ruining any chance at another job by this behavior and frankly I think it’s hilarious how uneducated, juvenile, and feminist this whole thing turned it to be, both on her and her supporters.
        And every post you right has proved me right

      • 13 February 2015 10:34 am

        Ashlee. Find one single place where I have stated “Shannon Miller should be reinstated at UMD.” You can’t. Just because I disagree with the way this has been handled, the reasons given for her dismissal (cost), and many of the criticisms thrown at her, doesn’t mean I am lobbying for her reinstatement.

        Every you write makes you look silly for making that assumption. Hence why I said critical thinking is your friend.

    • Matilda permalink
      11 February 2015 9:21 pm

      Please, show us the rubric for parody and humor and please define “going too far”.

      • Ashlee permalink
        12 February 2015 6:27 pm

        I am sorry, i thought we were all adults here and knew when things get too far.
        But like I said before, seems like all of Miller supporters are immature.

      • 13 February 2015 4:05 pm

        Zoe Hickel, Hockey Humanitarian Award finalist, is a supporter of Miller. Is she immature?

  4. Ashlee permalink
    11 February 2015 2:33 pm

    And as a season ticket holder I would much rather have an apology for a loss against UND, Bemidji, Ohio, MSU, and St. Cloud.
    A loss against Wisconsin and Minnesota should happen here more often than those teams

  5. John permalink
    12 February 2015 8:26 am

    How about adding to the requirements…a coach that looks forward to new success and not backward to past accomplishments. She is not moving the program forward, just looking back!

    • 12 February 2015 10:25 am

      Well, contact the university and let them know! They’re the ones who wrote the job posting! 😉

      • John permalink
        13 February 2015 10:03 am

        OHHH they know…why do you think they are getting rid of her?

  6. Phil B. permalink
    13 February 2015 3:46 pm

    Yeah, while moderately humorous, this entire spoof job posting ignores reality in its entirety.

    • 13 February 2015 3:57 pm

      I think you might be the one ignoring reality. Those “requirements” stem not only from those critical of Coach Miller, but of women’s hockey in general. If you think the only criticisms of women’s hockey in general and UMD women’s hockey specifically are regarding Coach Miller, you are sticking your head in the sand.

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