Police: Escaped Convicts from Minnesota Attack Local Sports Team

from the Denver Post

Tragedy struck at a hockey game at Magness Arena in Denver, after a band of escaped convicts from Oak Park Heights Correctional Facility disguised as a hockey team from northern Minnesota violently pummeled the University of Denver’s hockey team, a team comprised of altar boys, readers to the blind, and cherubs from the Sistine Chapel ceiling come to life.

Perhaps the officials should have seen this coming, as captain Andy “The Hatchet” Welinski was seen sharpening his teeth into pointy fangs in the locker room pre-game, and visibly salivated at the words “Grant Arnold.” Defenceman Carson “Widowmaker” Soucy, convicted of three murders and linked to seven other open homicide investigations in his home province of Alberta, was seen making a slashing motion across his throat as he skated by Denver wing Danton Heinen, choirboy and fixture at local soup kitchens. Several men in track suits with lots of gold jewelry were seen picking up tickets at the will call window left for them by organized crime king pin Dominic Toninato.

Fans were assured by UMD’s coach Scott Sandelin that the team “[wasn’t] sh*tty,” but there were no assurances that the team wasn’t homicidal.

Sandelin, who served time in federal prison for quadruple homicide before key witnesses mysteriously recanted their testimony, coached the Bulldogs through a relatively tame first period, before surrendering two goals to the Pioneers, who knelt in prayer after each goal and then made a donation to fight world hunger. While the Bulldogs were without top-six forward Kyle Osterberg, whose most recent death row appeal was denied, pundits say the team still should have had enough offensive firepower to mount a comeback. Instead, eyewitnesses say the Bulldogs “stopped playing hockey” and started attacking the innocent Pioneers.

“We were simply trying to play hockey!” reported DU blogger Nick Tremaroli. “We could hardly skate, these unsportsmanlike criminals were hacking at our ankles, punching our kidneys, and even spearing us in our no-no areas.” Mr. Tremaroli’s mother then replaced his pacifier in his mouth and put him down in his crib for the night, as it was past his bedtime. No further comment was available.

Pioneers coach Jim Montgomery spoke to the media after the game, pearls clutched so hard his knuckles were white. “I could sense UMD’s frustration; that is expected, as some of these players have been incarcerated for many years. I just don’t understand how they were allowed to take the ice, these are some of the country’s most violent offenders.”

A DU player, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed Mr. Montgomery’s assessment. “During a face-off, one of them shanked me with a sharpened toothbrush while the referee wasn’t looking.” When asked to identify the offender, the player refused, stating he would only comment if offered entry into the federal witness protection program.

There’s some question as to how officials allowed this game to get out of hand. Derek Shepherd, one of the referees, told the Denver Post that he wanted to call more penalties. “I wanted to throw the whole team out of the building, but I was under instructions from the league to let them play. It’s fishy, because this morning I noticed that [NCHC head of officials] Don Adam was driving a brand new Mercedes.”

Mr. Adam was less than forthcoming when asked about implications of bribery by Bulldog fans. “I’m sorry, I can’t disclose any information about those fans’ secret, illegal arrangement.” Others describe the alleged bribers as a female in her early 30s and a male in his late 20s, last seen twirling their mustaches and laughing in a sinister manner.

The violence was not contained to the ice, according to reports from the press box. Radio voice of the Pioneers, Jay Stickney, was hospitalized after a run-in with Bulldog radio personality Bruce Ciskie, who notoriously slaughtered seven college hockey officials with a rusty chainsaw in 2009 following a dispute over whether or not a penalty should have been called. Witnesses say Mr. Ciskie became enraged when Mr. Shepherd called an unwarranted penalty on Mr. Welinski. Mr. Ciskie and Bulldog beat writer Matt Wellens stormed through the press box and bludgeoned Mr. Stickney with their laptops. Mr. Stickney is listed in critical conditions. A GoFundMe has been set up to assist with his medical bills, which are projected to be extensive.

Bulldog players and staff alike, on advice of attorney Ron Meshbesher, unanimously invoked the fifth amendment, despite reminders that the press conference was not a trial. Denver PD was seen loading players into paddywagons after the press conference was completed. “You’ll never take me alive!” shouted one, later identified as Blake Young, Saskatchewan’s most notorious serial killer. Mr. Young was then struck by the club of the arresting officer and his limp body was loaded in with his teammates.

The University of Denver Athletic Department is offering free counseling to any fans who were traumatized by the event. Fans who have suffered emotional distress due to Saturday’s hockey game are directed to contact Peg Bradley-Doppes, Vice Chancellor for Athletics and Recreation and RC Operations.