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A Grave Injustice

3 October 2022

My comrades, there’s so much to be joyful about regarding hockey. tUMD women have spent the last 2 weeks on the road and have come home with 4 big wins from opponents critical to their PWR comparisons, especially Penn State, who beat Wisconsin the week prior. (I don’t know what that OT win does to the PWR win%, now that it’s been over complicated, but whatever.) tUMD men had two come-from-behind wins over Satan’s Minions, with exciting performances from rookies Ben Steeves and Isaac Howard. The games were a bit clunky at times, but early season clunkiness is fine as long as the result is a W. Or 0.666 PWR Ws. Or whatever.

And yet, I cannot enjoy this. I only feel a mixture of desolation and rage, for I have been denied what is rightfully mine: an Old Dutch chip clip.

As you are all aware, tUMD runs a promo all season in which they select a section to win an Old Dutch chip clip. This selection is made using an animation of a Price is Right-style wheel with section numbers on it. I have not ascertained if this wheel is calibrated and independently certified as balanced, but I can trust that the paperwork can be provided upon request.

Saturday night, my sectionmates and I watched, eager and hopeful, as the wheel ticked around and around, before rejoicing as it came to its digital rest upon Section 217, our home for these past many years. We were finally victorious.

And yet, we went home empty-handed. There were no marketing interns at the top of the section, ready to hand out our prize. We waited, looking longingly at the top of the steps for one to appear, arms laden with plastic clips, ready to deliver them into our waiting hands.

It is totally irrelevant that I already have 2 or 3 of these at home. I wanted this one, that I had earned through the hard work of purchasing a ticket and sitting in a seat and running my mouth. Maybe I want to have three bags of chips open. Or two bags of chips and a bag of oyster crackers. It doesn’t matter – I want what I’m due.

Initial promises were made by an unnamed tUMD marketing executive, but only to Biddco and not to me, so I am withholding any legal action pending the outcome of the next Saturday home game, and also pending the identification of legal counsel willing to take this case pro bono, which I’m sure will be no problem.

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