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>Postcards from RWD Vol. 4: Settling an Old Score

10 April 2006

>My fourth and final post centers on an incident during the Final Five.

Dear Gopher Fan With the Horrible Blue Vest from Final Five Play-In Game,

It’s been a few weeks, and we’ve both had some time to cool off, it’s time to address our little situation. I know who you are: Gopher hat, ugly blue puffy vest, annoying smug hickness. You were sitting a few rows down from me. Remember me: in the suite, Bulldog jersey, Wild fuzzy hockey helmet, extraordinarily good-looking. While this reads like a personal ad, I assure you it’s not.
What you did is unforgiveable. Heinous. Shameful. Disgusting. In short, the actions of a typical arrogant, fair-weather, sits-on-his-hands-at-the-John, leaves-with-five-minutes-left-no-matter-the-score type Gopher fan. You should be thankful I was in the suite, so it offered you some protection. I am not above violence; I will go there. As I said to Scotty, a Gopher fan who was cheering for the ‘Dogs, “I want to rip that guy’s arms out of their sockets and beat him with them.” He turned to me and said, “I’m seriously frightened by you right now.” And when my friend, The Hottest Girl in Alary’s, screamed “You’re a loser, your stupid vest is so tight it’s cutting off the circulation to your arms!,” you should have listened to her. She knows fashion.
What did this moron do? He cheered for the Huskies. Well, there is a word for you, Mr. Blue Vest. Hubrist. You incurred the wrath of the hockey gods, and you got what you deserved. For cheering on the Huskies to victory, you set into course a chain reaction. Let me explain in terms no one can understand.

This is what is known as the “six factor formula” for a hockey meltdown. The left side of the equation is the neutron multiplication factor, which shows us whether our reaction fizzles out (the Gophers rebound), continues at a steady state (Gophers continue at a current rate of getting lots of goals and praying their goaltenders let in 1 or more fewer than they score), or explodes (complete meltdown of the Gopher team). Now let’s take the right side of the equation. The first symbol (eta) represents the Gopher fans cheering for a St. Cloud win. The second term (epsilon), represents the eighth St. Cloud goal in overtime. The third symbol is the pathetic play of the Gophers the following day, when they are shut out by archrival Wisconsin (who we now know are the national champs). The fourth term is the fudge factor, where Don Lucia tells everyone the 3rd place game is meaningless (tDon is a hubrist, just like you, Mr. Blue Vest). The fifth symbol (L sub f) represents the Fighting Sioux Loss to Ferris State in 2003, where Gopher fans cheered for the bulldogs (small b here, so as not to confuse them with our Bulldogs) over the Sioux. The sixth and final factor denotes Tyler McGregor from Holy Cross, who scored the OT goal to upset the #2 overall Gophers. All these factors multiplied together gives us a k>1 situation, which is a supercritical reaction. The Gophers went Chernobyl, and IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT, VEST MAN!
Now that you are sufficiently confused, I will shove you into a straitjacket and force you to watch the 2004 Regional Final vs. UMD.


5 Comments leave one →
  1. 10 April 2006 4:39 pm

    >Normally I would try and see things from another person’s perspective, but this guy was a Gopher fan. Clearly he had it coming.BTW- I’m not putting my sports-only posts on blogger. My sports posts, plus personal posts you can still find on my live-journal.We’ll get them next year (by them I mean the Gophers).

  2. 10 April 2006 4:40 pm

    >Crap-Typo by me. I meant to sayBTW- I’m now putting my sports-only posts on blogger. My sports posts, plus personal posts you can still find on my live-journal.

  3. 10 April 2006 4:51 pm

    >Yeah that one little letter out of place confused the heck out of me. Got it, will update.

  4. 12 April 2006 2:57 am

    >Funny stuff entirely. “Hubrist” re: Lucia was sweet. I also like “InsularMan” which you can feel free to use if such a need arises.

  5. 12 April 2006 3:06 am

    >”InsularMan?” That’s a new one for me.


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