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15 September 2009


For the past three years, tUMD fans have had a stressful time at games. I mean, more stressful than usual.

This year, we have to go through a paradigm shift, and I’m here to help you all transition.

Because I am such a giving and generous person, here are some helpful tips.

1. When you are looking for the goalie, he is in the crease, which is the area right in front of the goal. He is not:

a. sprawled behind the net
b. chasing after the referee
c. playing a puck at the blue line

2. Our defencemen will be making a lot more plays with the puck. I hope. Please, guys? Anyway, they will have to be the ones making the breakout plays.

3. UMD goalies will no longer receive any more Golden Globes for Best Actor in a Dramatic Series whenever an opponent comes near them.

4. Popular cheers must be adapted. “Stalock Stalock!” and “TA STALOCK!!!!!!!” must be changed to “Hjelle Hjelle!” or “TA HJELLE!!!!!!!!!!” Please make adequate preparations to avoid embarrassment.

None of this helps me, as I am a bundle of nerves any time the puck is in the defensive zone.

We should expect a few things to remain the same.

1. UMD will have top-notch goaltending that will give them a chance to win any and every game. The other 5 guys on the ice will have to take that and run with it.

2. Backchecking is important. Don’t listen to Phil Kessel. Grinding the puck out in the corners, keeping it AWAY from the net, clogging up shooting lanes, and blocking shots are only going to help our goalies, as they always have.

3. UMD’s student section and fans will throw their support 100% behind whoever is in the net, just like they did for Isaac, Al, and any other fella that stood between the pipes.

4. UMD’s defencemen are still required to defend the goal crease and send any and all opponents who feel like setting up base camp flying with a good hip check.

These tips will come in handy in less than 19 days!!! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!

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