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>Dear Drew, Vol. 3

2 February 2010


That’s right, it’s Monday again, and that means it’s time for DEAR DREW!!!

Dear Drew,

I’m trying to quit smoking. However, it’s very hard to do. First of all, I’m ugly, which is stressful. Second of all, my team keeps getting screwed over by the referees. I mean, really. Is it my fault that other players’ heads get in the way of my players’ elbows? And the games are so long because the referees will not listen to my tireless efforts to educate them on how the game was played? Do you have any advice on how to quit?


Dear Sloth,

Perhaps you could take those extremely long games and use them as your first several hours of “cold turkey” quitting. Or do you go out of arena during intermissions to smoke? Shouldn’t you try to, like, coach your team? And possibly figure out that when the NCAA called head shots a “point of emphasis,” they did not mean they wanted more of them? Smoking is a filthy habit that could kill you. Hm… on that thought… continue.



Dear Drew,

People are always asking me to things. For example, hug their children, or take a photo, or spin my head. Why can’t people just leave me alone? I am not happy! What is there to be happy about at the sports games I attend?


Dear GTG,

You need professional help. I have the number for a good suicide hotline. It’s 1-800-UGOPHER.



Dear Drew,

I find it very hard to be happy. Even when my team is doing well (meaning, the second half of most seasons, except this one), something just doesn’t feel right. Please help me.

Uncomfortably yours,

Dear Hak,

Wow, there sure are a lot of depressed people out there. However, next time, try to remove the wire hanger from your coat before you put it on. That should help.


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