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Hail the Conquering Heroes

4 January 2014

Bulldog Nation 7, USA 0

Today, President Obama addressed the nation regarding the crushing defeat the United States suffered yesterday evening. Here is the text of that speech, taken directly from the Teleprompter.

“Today is a sad day in the history of this great country. On the heels of our defeat at the hands of the Russians on the battlefields of Malmo, our American troops have suffered a catastrophic loss to the army of the Bulldog Nation.

Our brave young men in uniform invaded Bulldog nation at about 1:07 Zulu, and while they fought valiantly and held their own for a time, but by the time the two hour campaign was concluded, the Bulldog Nation troops overwhelmed them in a 7-0 loss. The US was overwhelmed by the onslaught of the bigger, faster, more skilled Bulldogs, with their more accurate and more lethal weaponry, led by the turncoat Osterberg. Our team had no choice but to surrender.

Our conquered troops have retreated to the south, and Bulldog Nation continues to grow in strength and remains a significant threat to national security, one for which our troops on the ice currently have no answer. We will turn to diplomacy and to appeasement to keep the Bulldog threat at bay.

I would like to thank the brave young American hockey players who chose to undertake this dangerous mission, knowing they faced almost certain defeat.”

Nice game last night, fellas! Other than that whole boring as heck first period, we had our three goalies combine for a shut out, seven different players notching goals, thirteen players with a point or more, and four with a multi-point game. I mean, granted, many of the opposing players are still waiting for their voices to change, and probably peed themselves at the sight of Adam Krause, but sometimes those pesky kiddos can squeak out a win.

I do have a little bit of concern for the state of the US’s goaltending situation, since a few of tUMD’s goals were pretty bad breakdowns by Weyrick (the goalie who played the bulk of the game), but I hope he was simply off his game and when faced with competitors his own age, he is more successful.

tUMD women are back at AMSOIL next weekend and the men are at the little rink on the prairie in Omaha.

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