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13 September 2009


I watch a lot of TV. Right now, for example, I’m watching Rocky and Bullwinkle, which is superb. Bullwinkle is playing poker with Boris. He has 4 of a kind. Some people are now jumping off a riverboat. And Natasha shot Boris in the badonkadonk with a shotgun.

Enough. This isn’t Television Without Pity. Getting on with things, I also watch a lot of movies, and while there aren’t many hockey movies out there (a tragedy!), you can get a comprehensive list here at RWD.

Slap Shot
It’s the best hockey movie ever. I know it’s a narrow field, but still, it’s fabulous. It’s also gloriously vulgar, which I love. It’s funny and gritty and doesn’t have any feel-good crap. It’s just the story of a minor-league hockey team that gains notoriety when they start fighting on ice rather than playing hockey. It’s a good way to get attention, I know. Pretty much every great line in that movie contains at least three words I never use on RWD. Oh, and it stars Paul Newman.

Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice
This completely unnecessary movie came out a generation after the first. It stars a third-rate Baldwin brother and I only watched it out of curiosity. The way people gawk at car accidents. Gary Busey is in it, too. The Hanson brothers are still playing for the Chiefs, which is totally unlikely, and Gary Busey is this crazy religious guy who buys the team and makes them the hockey equivalent of the Washington Generals, under the premise that hockey in its current form is not suitable for family entertainment. Well, what the **** do you think I was watching growing up? And I am an evil genius. So take THAT, Gary Busey. I had to look all this up as the movie left no imprint on my brain, other than it sucking.

Miracle tells the story of the 1980 U.S. men’s Olympic hockey team. It stars a major hottie/no-name as Jack O’Callahan, the cop from CSI: New York as Jim Craig, and Kurt Russell who almost perfectly channels Herb Brooks. Of course we know Brooks died on I-35 before the movie came out. Great movie. No snide remarks. I saw it in the theater and when UMD was mentioned I cheered audibly. I’m a nerd. P.S. the United States beats Russia. Sorry to give away the ending.

Mystery, Alaska
Definitely a funny movie with some of that all-important vulgarity. The town has a game they play every Saturday and they definitely do not have the “everyone plays” mentality normally present in recreational sports. And if you’re old you can’t play anymore, according to Burt Reynolds. Their little team gets to play a game against the New York Rangers (who evidently didn’t want to be in the movie, so they had actors instead) and they lose. Which is realistic, for once. But there I go again, spoiling the ending.

All I have to say about Youngblood is I think I should become a junior hockey host mother.

The Mighty Ducks
This movie was big big big in my hometown because the kid who played 10-year-old Gordon went to my elementary school. Pacey from Dawson’s Creek is in the movie. Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez) missed a goal in a shoot-out as a kid and that immediately made him a social pariah. This is very true-to-life here in Minnesota. We do not mess around about hockey. Anyway, Adult Gordon gets a DUI (he should have played for UND!) and gets sentenced to coach a pee-wee hockey team. That seems like a good idea. Send criminals to be role models for children! And he gets the worst kids too. They even smell bad. We all learned what a triple deke is. But they win in the end against his former coach. Oops! Another spoiler.

I don’t remember a whole lot about this movie other than when Gordon Bombay is hanging out with Kareem Abdul-Jabar and then he’s late for the game and their tutor has to be the coach and then he comes running in with a duck call super late. Also I remember that “Greenland is covered with ice and Iceland is very nice.” I’ll never mix that up.

I haven’t seen this movie, but I don’t really think it has a point. I mean, these kids just won at the Junior Goodwill Games. That’s international competition. Why would they suddenly have trouble getting onto a varsity squad? Even at Breck Eden Valley Academy. Well, maybe because they have no talent.

I didn’t know this but there is a movie about a chimp that plays hockey. The chimp is still taller than Ryan Duncan and smarter than Jase Weslosky. Still waiting for the Air Bud hockey movie.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. 13 September 2009 8:24 am

    >If you've never seen "The Deadliest Season" you should give it a look (as if anyone could ever find it). Anyway it's a 1977 made for TV movie with Michael Moriarty and Meryl Streep in her "film" debut.It's a stupendously bad dramatization of irresponsible violence in hockey … player charged with manslaughter for inadvertently killing an opponent had been pressured into playing that way and all that tripe. As I remember it was rife with self-righteous diatribes and ridiculous characterizations. It was so horrible that it's comedic.

  2. 14 September 2009 12:00 am

    >Only one sentence about Youngblood? That was better then all the Might Duck movies combined. AND no mention of Cynthia Gibb!?!? :-0

  3. 14 September 2009 3:59 am

    >I've only seen Youngblood once, and I wanted the most important impression of the movie to be emphasized in that one sentence.

  4. 14 September 2009 5:26 am

    >FHG, I agree there is so much more that could be said about Youngblood. For example, how easy it was for Rob Lowe to sleep with the coaches teenage daughter (I believe she was supposed to be 18). How it was about time Patrick Swayze got the butt kicking he so richly deserved. Last but not least, how Youngblood is directly responsible for the cinematic black plague know as Keeanu Reeves.

  5. 14 September 2009 2:58 pm

    >You've only seen Youngblood ONCE?! And you call yourself an American and a hockey fan?!

  6. 15 September 2009 3:16 am

    >I blame RWD only seeing Youngblood once for Patrick Swayze's death.


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