How To Maintain Your Amateur Status

The Red Menace comes to D-town this weekend without Nic Kerdiles (inexplicably pronounced Ker-DEE-less, why?), a freshman superstar-in-the-making who is sitting out a 10 game suspension due to NCAA rule violations.

Nic and the Red Menace maintain he did nothing wrong and that there’s obviously a halo glimmering over his head and he helps old ladies across the street and raises awareness for diseases no one had heard of like breast cancer and he farts rainbows and glitter.

Of course I can see how Nic is completely innocent! I mean, let’s look at the facts!

Here, Nic was simply enjoying some refreshments with a couple of other future NHL superstars, and his agent advisor was simply letting the company and the interwebs know how tasty the drink was! They just all happened to be turning the labels out and random suit guy on the right was just asking someone off-camera to pull his finger. It’s not like people get paid to drink energy drinks or anything!

Here we have Nic with a few of his BFFs, who all happen to be agents or clients of agents! It’s not his fault he happens to have a fabulous rapport with men twice his age, men with horrible tattoos and cheesy v-neck shirts, and Russians who give Blue Steel every time a camera is in their vicinity. Nothing to see here! Except like 5 million pictures of Elvis.

And of course, there’s nothing amiss with all these tweets about Nic from his agent adviser and other employees of the agency family advisery, which bear absolutely no resemblance to the kinds of tweets agents use to promote their paying, professional clients. Remember, Nic is BFFs with all these guys. They totally play badminton together all the time and give each other mani-pedis without anyone saying a word about hockey!

And it was really great when Nic, who is obviously a poor kid from the mean streets of Irvine, CA, without a penny to his name, got stuck somewhere unable to pay his hotel bill, and his agent family adviser swooped down to help out the poor little ragamuffin. Ma and Pa Kerdiles were able to pawn some of their gold teeth to pay the agent family adviser back, thank Parise.

No, none of this could ever be interpreted as  NCAA rule violations or anything other than anything other than good, above-board fun between a boy and his badminton team. This is just the big bad NCAA trying to hold the Red Menace back!

Thanks to Andy “Chuck Schwartz” Johnson and Chris “No Former Stupid Alias” Peters for diligently covering this story so I could just rip them off!