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This Game is Rigged

27 October 2016

Folks, we have heard a lot about “rigged elections” and “rigged polls” in relation to the presidential election. I mean, we haven’t heard about it from anyone with any intelligence or critical thinking skills, but still, the specter is out there.

All of this nonsense about rigged elections is overshadowing a very real, very serious case of polling fraud: this weekend’s men’s hockey match-up between tUMD and the Fhawks.

Last week’s polls showed tUMD at #2 coming off a split with Notre Dame. I turned to Mr. Hand to express my thoughts for me:

Over last weekend, tUMD then proceeded to play an uninspiring exhibition game, resulting in a loss to a group of children who cannot even buy their own chewing tobacco. An older boy has to get it for them.

The polls came out this week, and tUMD was still #2. Let me repeat this: tUMD lost to children, and did not drop in the polls.

What possible explanation could there be? I mean, besides dope-smoking. Only a few voters live in Alaska or Colorado. I guess there’s also general stupidity, which cannot be discounted, considering tens of millions of people in this country are stupid enough to vote for an orange, racist, sex offender. But I figured it out when I saw the hype machine kick into high gear.

You can’t swing a dead gopher on the internet without seeing some reference to this “#1 vs. #2” cage match street fight ninja warfare blockbuster. Forget about the imagined fraud in the presidential election and focus on the real fraud happening right in front of our eyes: the national men’s D1 college hockey polls were rigged to hype this weekend’s matchup.

Folks, we cannot let this happen. We cannot let one of our most sacred traditions be tarnished by these fraudulent pollsters. You know what I’m talking about. So, after this weekend, I need you to watch. I need you to print out this badge, pin it on, and go to your local newspaper, or wherever voters in your area might be, and watch.


Democracy depends on you. Your country needs you. Do whatever it takes to make sure next week’s poll is legit. If UMTC suddenly rockets to #2, you’ll know it’s time to grab a musket and rise up.


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