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Police: Escaped Convicts from Minnesota Attack Local Sports Team

24 January 2016

from the Denver Post

Tragedy struck at a hockey game at Magness Arena in Denver, after a band of escaped convicts from Oak Park Heights Correctional Facility disguised as a hockey team from northern Minnesota violently pummeled the University of Denver’s hockey team, a team comprised of altar boys, readers to the blind, and cherubs from the Sistine Chapel ceiling come to life.

Perhaps the officials should have seen this coming, as captain Andy “The Hatchet” Welinski was seen sharpening his teeth into pointy fangs in the locker room pre-game, and visibly salivated at the words “Grant Arnold.” Defenceman Carson “Widowmaker” Soucy, convicted of three murders and linked to seven other open homicide investigations in his home province of Alberta, was seen making a slashing motion across his throat as he skated by Denver wing Danton Heinen, choirboy and fixture at local soup kitchens. Several men in track suits with lots of gold jewelry were seen picking up tickets at the will call window left for them by organized crime king pin Dominic Toninato.

Fans were assured by UMD’s coach Scott Sandelin that the team “[wasn’t] sh*tty,” but there were no assurances that the team wasn’t homicidal.

Sandelin, who served time in federal prison for quadruple homicide before key witnesses mysteriously recanted their testimony, coached the Bulldogs through a relatively tame first period, before surrendering two goals to the Pioneers, who knelt in prayer after each goal and then made a donation to fight world hunger. While the Bulldogs were without top-six forward Kyle Osterberg, whose most recent death row appeal was denied, pundits say the team still should have had enough offensive firepower to mount a comeback. Instead, eyewitnesses say the Bulldogs “stopped playing hockey” and started attacking the innocent Pioneers.

“We were simply trying to play hockey!” reported DU blogger Nick Tremaroli. “We could hardly skate, these unsportsmanlike criminals were hacking at our ankles, punching our kidneys, and even spearing us in our no-no areas.” Mr. Tremaroli’s mother then replaced his pacifier in his mouth and put him down in his crib for the night, as it was past his bedtime. No further comment was available.

Pioneers coach Jim Montgomery spoke to the media after the game, pearls clutched so hard his knuckles were white. “I could sense UMD’s frustration; that is expected, as some of these players have been incarcerated for many years. I just don’t understand how they were allowed to take the ice, these are some of the country’s most violent offenders.”

A DU player, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed Mr. Montgomery’s assessment. “During a face-off, one of them shanked me with a sharpened toothbrush while the referee wasn’t looking.” When asked to identify the offender, the player refused, stating he would only comment if offered entry into the federal witness protection program.

There’s some question as to how officials allowed this game to get out of hand. Derek Shepherd, one of the referees, told the Denver Post that he wanted to call more penalties. “I wanted to throw the whole team out of the building, but I was under instructions from the league to let them play. It’s fishy, because this morning I noticed that [NCHC head of officials] Don Adam was driving a brand new Mercedes.”

Mr. Adam was less than forthcoming when asked about implications of bribery by Bulldog fans. “I’m sorry, I can’t disclose any information about those fans’ secret, illegal arrangement.” Others describe the alleged bribers as a female in her early 30s and a male in his late 20s, last seen twirling their mustaches and laughing in a sinister manner.

The violence was not contained to the ice, according to reports from the press box. Radio voice of the Pioneers, Jay Stickney, was hospitalized after a run-in with Bulldog radio personality Bruce Ciskie, who notoriously slaughtered seven college hockey officials with a rusty chainsaw in 2009 following a dispute over whether or not a penalty should have been called. Witnesses say Mr. Ciskie became enraged when Mr. Shepherd called an unwarranted penalty on Mr. Welinski. Mr. Ciskie and Bulldog beat writer Matt Wellens stormed through the press box and bludgeoned Mr. Stickney with their laptops. Mr. Stickney is listed in critical conditions. A GoFundMe has been set up to assist with his medical bills, which are projected to be extensive.

Bulldog players and staff alike, on advice of attorney Ron Meshbesher, unanimously invoked the fifth amendment, despite reminders that the press conference was not a trial. Denver PD was seen loading players into paddywagons after the press conference was completed. “You’ll never take me alive!” shouted one, later identified as Blake Young, Saskatchewan’s most notorious serial killer. Mr. Young was then struck by the club of the arresting officer and his limp body was loaded in with his teammates.

The University of Denver Athletic Department is offering free counseling to any fans who were traumatized by the event. Fans who have suffered emotional distress due to Saturday’s hockey game are directed to contact Peg Bradley-Doppes, Vice Chancellor for Athletics and Recreation and RC Operations.

How Was Your Weekend?

18 January 2016

tUMD 1, Fhawks 2/tUMD 3, Fhawks 4 (OT)
tUMD 1, SCSUCKS 3/tUMD 1, SCSUCKS 2 (3on3OT)

Well, at least I had one leap-out-of-my-seat-with-joy moment for the weekend, when North Dakota scored on themselves with 22 seconds to go to tie up the game. I had previously given up on the game when the FHAWKS had gone up 3-1 with under three minutes to go in the game. Sidney Morin answered a little over a minute later, and then a scramble led to UND putting the puck in their own net, followed by a short review, and then some whining from UND’s coaching staff.

I’m struggling a bit with motivation to attend hockey games. I suppose since all three teams I follow are slumping or struggling, it’s not surprising. Friday afternoon, I missed the women’s game, since I was still at work. I sauntered in to the men’s game halfway through the first period, for no reason other than pure laziness. Saturday I started my workout late, and was just hopping into the shower when I should have been leaving for the women’s game. I ended up arriving during the first intermission. I went home between games, so I managed to be late to the men’s game as well, though only by a few minutes. I probably would have been later if I’d been going by myself. I’m radiating apathy at this point.

Really the only way to describe the men’s season right now is massively disappointing. There’s no reason for this team to score so few goals. Yes, we have a tough schedule. So? We’re not AIC. Good teams have to beat other good teams. The best seasons of tUMD hockey are the seasons they’ve won the games they should and the games they shouldn’t. They won games in 2010-11 and 2011-12 that they had no business winning. This year they’re not even winning the games they should *coughbemidjicough* and it sucks. It’s really hard to get motivated to go out in sub-zero weather and see only one lousy stinking rotten goal, considering the offensive firepower this team should have.

I don’t find the women’s season surprising, so it’s not quite as upsetting. I don’t like seeing the team struggle, but it would have taken a miracle to avoid a backslide. A new coach, a short bench, and improvement from the bottom-feeders of the league have put tDogs in a terrible position. This can’t continue, but I’ve gritted my teeth and accepted that this season won’t be perfect.

The Wild also suck right now, so that doesn’t help.

It’s going to warm up again, both literally and figuratively speaking. The men and the women have winnable games coming up. Neither team has been mathematically eliminated from postseason play. Today is the last horrifically cold day in the extended forecast. Weekends can be enjoyable again! It is possible.

See you all at AMSoil on Friday night !

On The Turning Away

14 January 2016

If you would like to take some drugs prior to reading this post, I invite you to now.

No more turning away from the weak and the weary
No more turning away from the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It’s not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there’ll be no more turning away?

November and December were a little rough on tUMD men’s hockey fans. Even January was a bit of a struggle, considering tDogs went down 0-3 to the Teenagers before winning in OT, and then it seemed they would never score against Miami. tUMD women offered no solace: a shortened bench against Wisconsin is not a formula for success, never do that again.

No more turning away.

tDogs are both in action at home this weekend against UND (women) and SCSU (men). Both are tough teams, though St. Cloud has been in a small slump (lost to the Teens and split with CC) and UND does weird things like beat the Gophers and then lose to Syracuse.  Some wins this weekend will do a lot for my confidence in both teams. And my confidence is what’s important.

No more turning away.

It’s time to face the season head-on, and accept it for what it is. Entertainment. Both teams are having tougher years, one expectedly and one unexpectedly. Does that really matter? At some point I need to quit mourning the season I thought tUMD would have. So the men didn’t march to Tampa like Sherman marched to the sea. So Coach Crowell hasn’t magically blasted through the WCHA and returned tUMD to prominence immediately. Big deal!

No more turning away.

I’m ready for three fun hockey games this weekend! (This Friday afternoon women’s game nonsense is preventing me from seeing all 4, I have to work.) Everyone’s back in the swing of things, the students are back, the oxidation has been shaken off, and we shall show our opponents no mercy.

No more turning away.

From Top Shelf to Food Shelf: Year 3

7 December 2015

I’m truly blown away by the generosity of college hockey fans.

In years 1 and 2 of the campaign, fans raised $943 total. I was pretty excited for that, it was a fun way to give back, and make some new friends.

This year the campaign took off in a way I could never have imagined. I could barely keep up with the spreadsheet I’d created. Without the hashtag on Twitter, I’d have missed quite a few pledges, as the campaign propagated through the NCHC fanbases into the other D1 schools, the NWHL, the ACHA, and the English Premier League. Coaches bid. The NCHC Commissioner bid. People rounded up, or came up with additional pledges halfway through the weekend

There are still some bids outstanding (the EPL game in question has yet to be played, and some folks bid for next weekend too), but here’s where the campaign stands:

$2548 and 311 food items.

That’s 2.7x the cumulative money raised over the last two years, and probably about 50x the cumulative number of food items pledged. The grand total for the three years of the campaign is $3491.

About 20% of the monetary total comes from Dogs fans, thanks to the 19 goals scored between the two teams. UNO, UNH, and SCSU fans came up big, too.  Wisconsin fans can thank the donors from their fanbase for motivating the women’s team to sweep the Gophers, and the men’s team to… score a lot of futile goals in a loss and tie. The BC men were motivated to come storming back in the 3rd period of their game yesterday, thanks to the efforts of the BC Interruption crew. I am very sorry that SCSU fans were not able to make good on their pledge of $2 million if the men came back to win on Saturday night.

Thank you all so much for participating, through pledges or publicity. We’ve made a small difference in a lot of communities this year. Small differences add up to real change in the world, so thank you for being a part of something greater.

I will keep updating if I get additional information, but this will be the last big post about the campaign. Remember it for next year!

As far as making your donations, just send your money or food directly to your chosen organization. I don’t need proof; I trust that everyone will follow through on their pledge. If your pledge got a little beyond what you thought it might (there were some high-scoring games!), there’s no harm in spreading it out over a few paychecks or a few months.

I wish you all a very happy holiday season, and I hope the kindness and generosity you’ve shown through From Top Shelf To Food Shelf returns to you, and then some.

From Top Shelf To Food Shelf: Mind-Blowing Update

4 December 2015

I’m overwhelmed.

The pledges keep coming, I can barely keep up with the spreadsheet. There are some incredibly kind, generous, warm-hearted people in this world who follow college hockey. (Update! After night 1, we are at $797, 141 food/clothing items, and 1 ham!!!! That outstrips the cumulative total the past 2 years!!!)

Here is a list of the pledges so far. I will give a more specific update later including the organizations all these fine folks are supporting, but for now, I just want to spread some good cheer. There’s still plenty of time to make a pledge, and retroactive pledges are welcome. Keep spreading the word on social media, don’t forget to hashtag #FromTopShelfToFoodShelf!

Here’s what From Top Shelf To Food Shelf is all about.

My own pledge is $5/UMD goal this weekend. So those should start pouring in at about 3:07 local time.

Neil (SCSU): $10/SCSU goal, $20/shutout to Catholic Charities St. Cloud
Andy (MSUM): $5/Mankato goal, $5 per Swansea (EPL) goal against Man City
Dan of the Week (tUMD): $10 if the Bulldog games are actually played
Matt (impartial media fellow): $5/Man City (EPL) goal against Swansea
BartRhett (BU): $5/Ahti Oksanen shot and $10/Ahti Oksanen goal
RedArmy (UNO, duh): $5/UNO goal to Northern Lakes Food Bank
Blackbear93 (Maine): $5/goal and 1 can of food/shot for Steven Swavely
Lori (UNO): $5/UNO goal to Heart Ministry Center
Fear the Triangle (UMASS): $5/UMASS goal and $5/”Mr. Friday night” goal tonight to The Food Bank of Western Massachusetts
Jack (SLU): $2/SLU goal
Anne (Hope College): $5/goal for Hope Hockey to Community Action House
My mom: $5/tUMD men’s goal to Westwood Lutheran Church’s Pastor’s Emergency Fund
Biddy: $20 if the electricity stays on, $20 and one pair of “silky mitts” aka gloves per Sammy Spurrell goal
Jashvina (Princeton): $1/mispronunciation of a PU player’s name, $2/Max Veronneau point
Matt R. (UNO): $1/NCHC goal
Kathy (UNO): $1/stopped shot, $5/goal for UNO to UNO food bank
Lord of Nebraska (UNO): $7/UNO goal to Maverick Food Bank
Melmac (UMTC) & Nezzy (MTU): $5/UMTC or MTU goal to Damascus Road
SouthTexGopher (UMTC): $5/UMTC goal to San Antonio Food Bank
Diva (NMU): $5/NMU GOAL!!!! to Second Harvest Heartland and $10/shutout to Secondhand Hounds
Rob (UNH): $5/UNH goal to New Hampshire Food Bank
Amy Moritz (impartial media lady): $5/Canisus goal, $5/Niagara goal, $1/mile she runs or hikes this weekend
JoeGrav (BC): $1/BC goal, $8.88 if Travis Jeke scores to Greater Boston Food Bank
Vegoe (UMTC): $5/Gopher goal to ESNS Senior Food Bank
PDoug (tUMD): $5/tUMD goal to Northern Lakes Food Bank
Jeremy (SCSU): $5/SCSU men’s goal, $10/shutout to CEAP
MPedone (UNH): $5/UNH goal, $10/win, $5 if UNH wins by 3+ goals or gets a shutout to New Hampshire Food Bank
Meg (Boston Pride): $5/Pride goal, $20/win to Worcester County Food Bank
JPDot and his wife (BC): Each matching JoeGrav’s donation
Dawn (tUMD): TBD pledge for tUMD and her son’s bantam team
Dan Rubin (Diplomatic immunity): TBD flat donation to Dedham Food Pantry
#GOHUSKIESWOOOOO (SCSU): $1/minute Blais pulls the goalie, $5/SCSU goal, $10 sweep to Second Harvest Midwest
Sheldon (UNO): $5/goal, $10/win, $15 shutout for UNO to Food Bank of Siouxland
Zach Halverson (SCSU): $5/SCSU goal, $10/shutout to Catholic Charities of St. Cloud
Weldie (SCSU): $2/UNO or SCSU goal, $5/PPG, $10 for Morley’s 100th to Catholic Charities of St. Cloud
Jason (SCSU): $3/SCSU goal, $7/shutout, $3/Benik goal
Mike N (UNH): $5/goal, $1/save, $20/win, $30/shutout for UNH to NH Food Bank
J Andrews (UNH): $5/UNH goal to NH Food Bank
Josh Fenton (NCHC Commissioner): $1/NCHC team goal, $5/3 on 3 OT game to Care and Share Food Bank of Southern Colorado
Mike L (UNH): $5/UNH goal to Upper Valley Haven
Matt B (SCSU): $3/SCSU goal, $10/shutout or Lindgren assist
Nicole (UW): 1 jar PB/goal, 1 ham/win, $5/shutout period for UW (#HamsFTW) to Hunger Task Force
Ashley (RMU): 1 food or clothing item/RMU goal or shutout period for the next 4 games! to Bethlehem Haven
Derek Schooley (RMU coach): Matching Ashley’s pledge
Darkgeek (UW): 1 jar PB/UW women’s goal
Gabs (UND): 1 can of food/5 saves for both BSU and UND to a privately “adopted” family
Lucas (UW): 1 jar PB/UW women’s win
PyroMonkey (UNO): 1 can of food/UNO goal + PIM to Food Bank Heartland
Chuck Herring (UNO): Matching PyroMonkey
Jared (UNO): Matching PyroMonkey x 2
Laura Bellamy (tUMD assistant coach): 1 can/tUMD men’s goal, 2 cans/PPG, 3 cans/SHG, 5 cans/ENG to Northern Lakes Food Bank
Kat Hasenauer Cornetta (media): 1 item/goal for women’s Beanpot participants to My Brother’s Table
Gabbi (QU): 1 can/QU goal next 4 games, 5 cans/shutout next 4 games to CT Food Bank
Katie (UNH): 5 items/goal, 5 items if leading after 1st or 2nd, 10 items/win for UNH
Corey (UW): 1 jar of peanut butter/UW women’s win
Brent (BSU): $5/goal in the UND/BSU games, $100/Mowat shutout to Beltrami County Food Shelf
Jessi (tUMD): $5/tUMD goal and $50 if Parker Mackay gets his first point as a Bulldog to Northern Lakes Food Bank.
SCSUHockey Blog: 2 food or clothing items/goal in SCSU’s men’s and women’s games to Good News Food Shelf/Catholic Charities St. Cloud

That’s 59 people making donations so far. 59! That’s 5x as many people as last year! I can’t thank all of you enough for your pledges, for spreading the word, and for just being great people. I will have no problem cheering for ANY of these teams this weekend.

From Top Shelf To Food Shelf Pledge Drive

2 December 2015

That’s right! It’s #FromTopShelfToFoodShelf time again! A weekend for hockey fans to make a real difference in their communities.

Here’s how it works:

  1. You make a pledge based on the performance of your hockey team Dec 4/5/6. Maybe it’s $/goal, or cans of food per goal. Maybe it’s jars of peanut butter per Sammy Spurrell goal. Get creative! It could be $/save, or $/win. One generous and creative donor has different donation tiers: PP goals are worth more than regular goals, SHGs worth more than PPGs, etc.
  2.  You pick a food-related charity in your community or in the community in which your team plays. You may live in Azerbaijan, for example, but you might make a donation to a food shelf in Houghton, because you’re a Tech fan.
  3. You tell me your pledge. It can be anonymous if you’d like.
  4. You tally up what you owe after the results of this upcoming weekend.
  5. You donate directly to the charity you’ve selected. I don’t collect the money. I trust that you will make this donation. And you don’t have to worry about me eating peanut butter meant for a hungry child.

My pledge right now is $5/goal for tUMD men and women this weekend. Pledges have come in from another tUMD fan, Mankato fan, SCSU fan, and a Man City fan (in a bet with the Mankato fan regarding the Man City-Swansea footy match upcoming, I guess). I look forward to additional pledges rolling in as we get closer to the weekend, and as I spam the crap out of everyone on social media.

As of last year, hockey fans have raised $943 for food banks and similar charities in their communities. This year, we’re basically guaranteed to get over $1000. How far over $1000 we go is up to the generous hearts of hockey fans… and the offensive prowess of our favorite teams.

Pledge if you can! Retweet or share this blog post to boost the signal, even if you are not able to donate or have committed your giving elsewhere! Let’s make this #FromTopShelfToFoodShelf the best year yet!

Harvard vs Harvard

2 December 2015

The Harvard of the Midwest 4, The Harvard of the East Coast 2/The Harvard of the Midwest 1, The Harvard of the East Coast 4

I really have to stop being confident. The second I express anything other than utter despair or terror over tUMD’s play, I get burned.

Case in point: I was feeling quite joyous over tUMD’s victory on Black Friday. tDogs scored early (Bryks 31 seconds in), which I missed because I was late to the game because… basically because I suck and can’t manage my time very well. I stepped through the gates of the arena at the exact moment the Crimson scored their first of the game, on a PP seconds after a 5×3 ended. Harvard scored in the second period on another 5×3, which was concerning. But tDogs scored 3 unanswered, including a PPG from Catherine Daoust.

So I got excited and tweeted this:

So then it was annoying to show up on Saturday (with my food donation) to see… not the best game ever. Nothing was clicking for the Dogs, and they didn’t get a goal until the 3rd period (Stalder). I don’t get it. I mean, Harvard played better, but tDogs just could not find the same spark they had on Friday. I did have an enjoyable time watching the game with Bruce Ciskie and Bruce Jr., but I would have liked to have seen more goals scored by tUMD and fewer by Harvard.

tDogs play SCSU this weekend, and it’s #FromTopShelfToFoodShelf weekend as well, so I think the gals will be extra motivated to shellac the Huskies. Pledge if you can!


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