>The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UND
>Next up for the Hottie Preview are the boys from the Fighting Sioux.
The Good
I know there’s been a lot of talk about if he will live up to his brother’s achievements, but one thing is for sure: Darcy Zajac is absolutely smokin’. I mean, wow. T.Z. never looked that good.
Another little brother I’m putting on the Good list is Chay Genoway, not because he is super handsome, but because he overcame such great odds, being the brother of Corpse Colby.
All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree Taylor Chorney and teammate Michael Forney make the list not only because they are good-looking, but because their names rhyme with… each other’s. (*Wink*) Freshmen Hunter Bishop, Anthony Grieco, and Chris VandeVelde round out what is probably the Hottest Freshman Class Ever. And to that, I say, Welcome Freshmen!
The Bad
So, it looks like sophomores, juniors, and seniors have something to prove. T.J. Oshie, Kyle Radke, and RWD Fave Chris Porter were all hotties last season (Porter is a two-time honoree), but took giant steps backwards this year. I’m hoping to see evidence to the contrary as the season rolls on.
Several players have taken steps forward, but not quite to the Hottie level. Brian Lee is rocking the pastels in his photo this year, which I can appreciate, but it doesn’t quite work when you’re super pale with practically white hair. However, he is lookin’ better than last year. Robbie Bina, Jonathon Toews, Ryan Duncan, Brad Miller and Philippe Lamoureux all made improvements as well.
Zach Jones, Erik Fabian, and Ryan Martens didn’t improve in the Hottness category, but at least they didn’t slip any, like teammates Andrew Kozek, Aaron Walski, and Matt Watkins.
The Ugly
Scott Foyt looks like Lew Ford, and that ain’t good, buddy.
Joe Finley needs to A.) smile and B.) see a waxer about those eyebrows. Eyebrows kept Marty Sertich from being considered a Hottie, although Joe’s situation isn’t quite the same.
And Rylan Kaip has a comb over. Enough said.
>The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: UMD
>The first stop in our Hottie Preview is, of course, the UMD Bulldogs.
The Good
A definite candidate for the WCHA All-Hottie Freshman Squad is defenseman Trent Palm. I had to look twice, but Trent definitely has a certain je ne sais quoi. I guess he also was a member of the National Hottie Development Program.
Alex Stalock and Logan Gorsalitz prove that, if you just smiled, for crying out loud, it will do wonders for you.
I looked at Ryan Geris‘s roster photo and I was like “ugggh,” thinking the poor guy was destined for the Bad list, but then I saw another photo of him on the ‘Dogs website, and he looked smokin’, so here he is on the Good list instead.
The Bad
People who look like someone’s kid brother can not be considered a hottie. This includes Chase Ryan, Mitch Ryan, and Andrew Carroll. Normally, I would say a year in the WCHA can take care of this sort of issue, but then again, Carroll is a sophomore.
Consequently, if you look bizarrely old for your age, Nate Ziegelmann, it doesn’t work for me either.
Jordan Fulton needs more of a bad boy edge, because I think he’s got serious potential in the Hottie category. We already know he is an amazing hockey player.
Jason Garrison and Drew Akins just didn’t impress. I don’t have anything to say, negative or positive.
Michael Gergen was a disappointment. We all know Michael’s my favorite current Bulldog, and it pains me to put him on the Bad list, but I’m not going to pull any punches.
Resemblance to celebrities is a good thing… unless you’re resembling not-so-attractive celebrities. Mason Raymond channels Gary Sinise, while Mike Curry is becoming more and more Cusack-esque, and neither is a good thing.
Memo to Matt McKnight: Did you even change your photo this year?
If you don’t smile, you end up on the Bad list, which is what happened to Matt Greer, Josh Meyers, and former All-Hottie Freshman Team Honoree MacGregor Sharp (who looks near tears).
Josh Johnson and Jeff McFarland may not have made the Good list, but they have certainly stepped it up for their senior year. Let’s hope that happens on the ice, too. Travis Gawryletz, Jay Cascalenda, and Nick Kemp all deserve a round of applause for making drastic improvements in their hair, if nothing else.
The Ugly
These people aren’t ugly, for sure, but people, friends don’t let friends get away with horrible hair. [Matt] Nisky [Niskanen] has this jacked up slicked back thing going on, making it look like he came from diving practice, and the only hockey player who went to diving practice was Robbie Earl. I saw this picture of Matt on the WJC page last year, and he had on a hat and his hair was sticking out from under it in curls and I was like “Hello, darlin’,” and I really had high hopes for this year’s photo.
Another serious hair mistake came from an All-Hottie Second Team Honoree, Bryan McGregor. Long hair is not for everyone, and just because Steve Czech is gone, it doesn’t mean you need to try to look like him. I don’t forsee a repeat on the hottie list for Bryan.
I know it seems like I was probably a little tough on my guys, but this is the WCHA, people. The standard is set high. I’m certainly not going to play any favorites here, just because the Bulldogs are my team.
>Bookkeeping
>Just a few tidbits of interest:
First, I lost my birthday list, and so I was remiss in wishing some ‘Dogs Happy Birthday.
So, major apologies, a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday,” and some Irish Car Bombs* to
Jordan Fulton (19 on 12 September)
Mason Raymond (21 on 17 September)
MacGregor Sharp (21 on 1 October)
Mike Curry (22 on 20 September) (I know, I know, how could I have missed Mike’s birthday??? I’m lame.)
*for those of age, of course
Second, since I like having countdowns and things, I announce the following:
Points Until We Surpass Last Year’s Total (current value = 26)
and
Wins Until We Surpass Last Year’s Total (current value = 11)
Exhibition games will not be counted. Duh.
Third, we will be having a competition between my “guys,” the RWD favorites on the team, to see who gets the most points. Again, exhibition games will not count, although I considered counting them, since Mike Curry already has a point. The winner gets nothing, except the satisfaction of simultaneously getting lots of points and getting liked by me. This is a little similar to the B.O.D. at Bat-Girl, although not really, since it’s only between players and not members of this site. It’s also a lot more positive than the Hater Report, although that was for other WCHA teams. No ‘Dogs were at any time on the Hater Report.
The competitors are:
Michael Gergen
Matt McKnight
Matt Niskanen
Mike Curry
Huh. 4 guys, 2 names. Weird. Now, points are accumulated by getting goals and assists (big surprise!), so I realize this might put a few people at somewhat of a disadvantage. The point really isn’t winning, though. The point is, these are my favorite ‘Dogs, and it’s an honor just to be nominated.
Fourth, there will be some sort of Hottie Preview for the WCHA this year. Team by team analysis of what’s going on so far. Note that Hotties are selected by their roster photo ONLY, unless evidence to the contrary is submitted. (Those of you lobbying for R.J. or Staffy could have helped their cases that way.) Look for the ‘Dogs Hottie Preview soon.
That will be all. I must return to work on the Top Secret Off-Season Project, which has continued into the actual season.
>I’m Just Crabby To Be Here
>The Twins lost. Good lord.
Good thing it’s hockey season.
>HockeyBack
>Oh yes, I went there.
So, the ‘Dogs made all my dreams come true tonight. Okay, there was no hatty, no shorty, but I’m cool with that. Granted, I didn’t actually LISTEN TO THE GAME. I flew home from work, all ready to run with the ‘Dogs, and then WARPRADIO WOULDN’T WORK and I suffered an unforseen mutation of The Rage, called The Internet Rage. It was very stressful, though it was the only stressful part of the evening. Except for the Wild, who decided to let the game get tied, but they did win in overtime, which was great. And I don’t stress out too much for the Wild, anyway.
Special thanks to Heiz from tPB for doing his best to help me find a solution to my internet problem. Let’s hope it was a freak incident and next weekend I’ll be able to listen to the game instead of chomping at the bit for updates.
Anyway, how awesome was that win??? 3 for 6 on the power play, 6 for 6 on the penalty kill, 17 different ‘Dogs combining for 8 freaking goals. Brilliant!
RWD Fave Michael Gergen was on fire with 2 goals and an assist, with freshman Jordan Fulton just behind him in points with 2 goals. Ryan Geris, Andrew Carroll, and Jeff McFarland had two assists. Speedster Mason Raymond, defensive assassin Jason Garrison, Logan Gorsalitz, and Drew Akins scored the remainder of the goals. To round out the scoring, All-WCHA Freshman Hottie MacGregor Sharp, Nick “Kemper the Wrecker” Kemp, Matt McKnight, Josh Meyers, Mike “Offensive Machine” Curry, All-WCHA Hottie Bryan McGregor, Travis “Growler” Gawryletz, and RWD Fave Matt Niskanen each had an assist.
Trent Palm, Jay Cascalenda, Matt Greer and Mitch Ryan were the only ‘Dogs who didn’t have a goal or an assist, but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were also awesome. Chase Ryan was the lone scratch.
In goal, Josh Johnson started the game, but was relieved by Nate Ziegelmann for the second period, and Alex Stalock brought us home, giving up the lone Lakehead goal with 1:45 to go in the third. That goal was probably a rookie mistake he’ll never make again. Hats off to all three goalies, and to our defensemen for holding Lakehead to 24 shots on goal, with only one squeaking by.
I wish I was more exhilarated, but missing the offensive onslaught to open the season kind of took the wind out of my sails, so to speak. Granted, we totally rocked, and all I know about is the good stuff, so I’m thrilled!!!!
WE WON! WE WON! WE TOTALLY FREAKING WON!!!
Wooo! There we go! There’s that enthusiasm I was talking about.
Looking ahead, we’ve got UMass-Lowell on our plate next. I hope we shook all our sillies out tonight, and will be ready to bring it when UMass rolls in. I mean, we’ve already won a game, which is way better than last season!
LET’S GO ‘DOGS!!!!!!!
>Domestic Violence
>Sweet Georgia Brown, there’s gonna be some hockey tonight!
(Yes, a Thursday night. It’s annoying. I have to take personal time from work, since I PLANNED for the Friday night games, but somehow overlooked Thursday night as a potential game night. Wonder why…)
All I have to say is, this better be the best M-Fing exhibition game in the history of exhibition games. We’re talking hat tricks, power play goals, shorties, a total blow-out. We had better smoke Lakehead worse than we smoked Yale or Bemidji State.
Because I can’t handle any more stress. And neither can our furniture.
Yesterday, I watched the Frank Thomas Show Twins Farce Game and I nearly threw myself off the balcony. Granted, if I threw myself off my balcony, I would barely be injured, but it would be a symbolic gesture, like those people who set themselves on fire in protest. Except they actually get hurt/die. Right. Well, it seems the Twins are as inept at converting with runners in scoring position as the Bulldogs were at scoring on the power play. (Zing!) When Jason Bartlett botched a double play, doubled, nearly got picked off, messed up running to third, and then was stranded on third when no one bothered to get another hit, I beat the hell out of my couch.
This is bad, because it’s not technically my couch. Pretty soon it will legally become one of my possessions, which isn’t that exciting, considering it rivals Bruno Kirby’s “Stupid Roy Rogers Wagon Wheel Coffee Table” in tackiness, but the point is, I shouldn’t be beating the hell out of anything that isn’t mine, even if it’s only a technicality.
This is not my first outburst of Violence Against Furniture. In 2004, after the ‘Dogs lost in the Frozen Four, I pounded the crap out of the door to my bedroom, ironically breaking my very cool “I Am So Not In The Mood” doorknob hanger, and scaring my roommates and some unsuspecting visitor in the process. People in central Illinois do not understand the Hockey Rage.
Please, Bulldogs. Hockey Rage is very hazardous to the health of my possessions (and pseudo-possessions). It is also probably hazardous to my health, but that’s a secondary matter. Please do not cause a flare-up of Hockey Rage. I’ve already got a serious case of Baseball Rage that just won’t be tamed, and it’s going to send me to an early grave. Please, Bulldogs. Win one for your favorite girl.
And win one for the chair in the office quivering in fear that I may go all Koskie on it if the Baseball Rage continues.
How’s that for a motivational speech? Look out, Mike Eruzione!
Also, I did not watch today’s Twins game, since I was working, but I’m quite sure I probably would have died if I had. I’ve actually witnessed an inside the park homerun at the Metrodome before, but let me assure you, it was the Twins getting it. That’s the only kind my poor nerves can tolerate.
>Calling Out Around the World
>Ugh. That song’s been driving me crazy, since those Macy’s commercials have been on television almost constantly.
BUT…
I have been called out by my #1 Favorite Reader, Drop The Puck! (who now goes by Donald, probably because he is constantly arguing with “anonymous” posters about identifying themselves. It is eerie because my name is, as you may know, the feminized version of his) for being LAZY and then trying to use physics to excuse my laziness. I would argue that it wasn’t an excuse but a scientifically proven fact, as my posting velocity was ZERO and thus no matter the mass, my momentum was also ZERO. I would also like to point out there are people much lazier than I was this summer.
DTP/Donald also commented later pondering if he was the only person in Anchorage who closely followed my one-sided war with LaP. I would respond he is probably the only person in the galaxy who even pays attention.
BUT…
on that note, I saw LaP tonight at Rally Monday at Peavey Plaza. It was pretty moto, for sure, with Kent Hrbek ready to party and Nick Punto firing us up and Scott Leius looking strangely hott (much hotter than in 1991). I teared up a little at the Kirby Puckett montage, glared at small children, and pondered the meaning of life. The playoffs start tomorrow, and I am SO EXCITED!!!
BUT…
This site ain’t about baseball. It’s about hockey, and the season has “started.” I say that in quotation marks because it hasn’t really started, it’s all exhibition, but hockey is hockey. As Brad put it, “exhibition hockey > no hockey.” (I would never use the greater than/less than signs myself, as it reeks of the endless posturing by UMTC/UND fans, but I can’t help what others do.) The ‘Dogs haven’t played yet, but THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, COMRADES. THE REVOLUTION IS COMING.
I have been asked to give Western College Hockey a series preview each week, which is supposed to be done on Fridays, but our game isn’t ON a Friday, so I’m going to do it while I can. I still have a bunch of programming to do and baseball to watch and work to attend to, so I’d better do this while I can.
Thursday, 5 OCT 2006
The Bulldogs will host the Lakehead University (it’s in Thunder Bay, ONT, Canada, in case you’ve never heard of it and don’t want to use Google) Thunderwolves for an unorthodox Thursday game. Whoever does the scheduling for Lakehead was half in the bag when they planned their upcoming weekend: Thursday in Duluth, Friday in Houghton, and Saturday in Sault Ste. Marie. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Lakehead will be at their best for the ‘Dogs, since they will be just starting their road trip.
The Thunderwolves are coming off two losses to the AHL’s Manitoba Moose, 3-0 and 8-1, which seems pretty rough. They’ve got 3 goalies on their roster, and I would assume at least 2 will be playing, if not all 3, to prevent fatigue. Chris Whitley is the only veteran goaltender they have (if I have the conversion from the metric correct, eligibility year 1 would mean freshman, 2 is sophomore, 3 is junior, 4 is senior, and 5 is super senior, which is evidently okay in Canada), and he made 99 saves in the 2 games against the Moose. That’s a song by Nena, people. Neunundneunzig Speichert. So, it seems they have some defensive issues. We can relate, right? But, I hope, not anymore!
Look for the ‘Dogs to use Josh Johnson, Alex Stalock, and Nate Ziegelmann in goal for this game, since there is no definitive starter as yet. Speculation abounds as to who will play, and on what line, and all that jazz, but I don’t have any predictions at this point. They would do well to pair McKnight and Raymond together. The key right now is to shoot the puck often, as the Thunderwolves defense seems to be leakier than our old canoe. I would definitely prefer we stay out of the penalty box, as I don’t have a whole lot of confidence in our PK. After a little more practice, I hope I’ll be able to talk about our special teams without adding “in the short bus way.” It would be nice to start the season off with a win, even if it is an exhibition game. Hey, look at the Nanooks, the Teenagers beat them, and exhibition or not, that’s not exactly a confidence booster. I predict a Bulldogs win, but it won’t be a blow-out.
>Gopher Hockey Preview
>What the????
I know, I know, but I’m desperate here.
And I’m referring to the FSN North TV special, not an actual Gopher Preview.
Positives
EJ much hotter than PK.
Ryan Potulny barely mentioned.
Holy Cross mentioned several times, including to Lucia.
TJ Oshie shown (!) scoring on Kellen Briggs. (TJ and Toews were touted as the next Sertich-Sterling duo.)
Woog selects Bulldogs to be in the top 5 in the conference.
The analysts think the Gophers will be playing “Wisconsin-style” hockey (which is an insult to Gophers and their fans, not that Wisconsin sucks or anything* but to be labeled Wisconsin-style anything isn’t good.)
Negatives
“WCHA Preview” discussed UND, UMTC, and UW. With a passing mention to Denver losing Matt Carle, who wasn’t even called by name. Yeah, that’s a great preview.
Holy Cross was mentioned more times than UMD. They even forgot to mention UMD when they were reading off the Oct/Nov schedule.
LaP was on the show.
The show was not Bulldog Hockey Preview.
The show existed at all.
*Of course, it’s always better to be dead than red.
>Mass * Velocity
>It’s all a question of momentum.
The season’s almost here. It’s breathing hot, stinky dog breath down our necks, like Fluffy in Harry Potter.
But man, is it ever boring writing about… nothing. Seriously, nothing. NOTHINGGGG!!!! Zip. Zero. Stingy with dinero. Let’s tick the facts off on our fingers:
- No one left early for the pros.
- I don’t have insider access to the team, so I’m not getting a sneak peek at anything.
- Other people have already done season previews for the team and the league. Better than I could ever do.
- No one ran anyone down with an SUV.
- It’s just been too… freaking… long.
So man, is it ever getting hard to find the impulse (F*dt) to write about something. Impulse is just a change in momentum. It’s all physics. Hockey is all physics, anyway. Do you know how many problems I solved in college about an object sliding on a sheet of ice? The professors weren’t trying to ignore friction! They were thinking about hockey!
What? Where am I going here? Stop being a nerd!
So, I guess good stuff happened these past few months. Sandelin’s contract was renewed (as was mine!). Hard Charger Andrew Carroll and RWD Favorite Matt McKnight are captains. And Bill Watson will be giving PowerPoint briefs on How To Be As Awesome As Bill Watson. Topics will include (Ooh, more Fun With Formatting!):
- Winning A Hobey Baker
- Scoring A Sick 1.94 Points Per Game
- Knock Hockey Strategies
- Surviving Quadruple Overtime
- Mustache Cultivation
- How To Succeed In Hockey Even Though You’re Playing For The Bulldogs
(So yes, I’m alive and well and boring as ever, in case you were wondering. Just remember, the season’s almost here!)
>Consumer Alert!
>
We have discovered yet another Faux-Dog. I will refer to this one as:
Unsafe At Any Speed
from http://twins.scout.com/2/516232.html
Fear not, folks, because the game just got tied up, so Garza’s off the heezy for the night.
Runnin' With the Dogs 
