Runnin' With the Dogs

>No One Here Gets Out Alive

30 November 2008

tUMD 5, Hussies 1. Five to one, baby, one to five.

Oh my my my my my my my my my my. What a day. What a day for tUMD sports!!! First, though I don’t follow tUMD football at all, I do have to mention tUMD’s D2 playoff win over some school I’ve never heard of that is apparently good in football but not good enough for D1. HOORAY!!!! And the women won in their game too. So double yay!

I know I got all giddy and gleeful about the Sioux fans and their tears and rants, but it’s even MORE fun when the St. Cloud fans get upset. See, Sioux fans hate losing; St. Cloud fans hate losing to tUMD. It gets them all extra mad, and then they try to say they are playing like crap BUT tUMD is also playing like crap and somehow we were just ever so slightly less crappy than they were IN THIS PARTICULAR GAME which is why we managed to squeak out a win, but overall St. Cloud is superior. This is a very logical line of thinking. I can completely follow what they’re saying.

Not.

(UMDDogz went through this period in which, whenever he disagreed with something anyone said, he would say “NOT!” It used to grind my gears like no other; it was right up there with “breathing on me,” “being on my side of the car,” and “getting a bigger piece than me.” I led an awful, awful life.)

This was a GREAT game for tUMD. Yes, St. Cloud played very poorly, but tUMD also refused to let them get anything going. MEg got 11 points in her fantasy league based on this one game. We’ve outscored St. Cloud 10-2 in this “series” and though some people commented that splitting the series might have given us a disadvantage because after St. Cloud played us, they swept powerhouse Robert Morris and some little team from the Rocky Mountains, and they put up a tUMD Touchdown* against UW on their way to a split. So I was very pleased with the result. I was happy when it was 1-0, and unhappy when it was 1-1, but once it was 2-1 I thought okay, we’ll win. But I wanted something a little more showy. It’s like when you’re playing Mortal Kombat, and you get to the end and it’s all “FINISH HIM!!!!” and you forget to press UP UP B B LEFT A START to do one of your super special moves, so you just end up giving them a lame punch or something and they fall over dead. Not NEARLY as satisfying as employing some secret code embedded by some meth-addicted programmer and tracked down in some magazine for ~~Dirty~~ losers, so I could see Scorpion (I always played as him or Sub-Zero) eat the head off of his opponent. I was a bloodthirsty little beast. And then suddenly it was 3-1, 4-1, and magically 5-1, and my bloodlust was quenched. For now.

I was really sad that I had to work today and couldn’t go up to Duluth for the game. We need to get some snow up in here or I’m going to go crazy. But it all worked out nicely, because the game was televised and THEY INTERVIEWED MY JACKY!!! EXCITING!!! They interviewed his parents, too, during the 2nd intermission, but I didn’t watch that because we watched a wee bit of the Wild game and listened to Nielsen talk about the football game. I have three beefs with the interviews: first of all, in the pre-recorded interview segments they have with their feature player of the week, they are always playing this weird sad music that sounds like the Native American flute music on sale at the center court of Southdale during the holidays. It serves a purpose, yes, but this is an interview with a hockey player. I would have preferred a little more bow chicka bow-wow. Additionally, they sneak in these little teaser segments during the game and they totally cover up the game WHILE IT IS OCCURRING. This happened once when St. Cloud was in our zone (yes, they were a few times) and I stressed. Finally, the chick that interviews the guys between periods needs some SERIOUS help with her questions, and also needs to think of them BEFORE the camera is on her. She said something to Justin Fontaine about Thanksgiving. He is from CANADIA! Their Thanksgiving is in OCTOBER! But I do enjoy watching the games on TV and I like the player interviews, so keep them coming; just plan a little better, Emily. If that is your name. I’m here to help.

Little snippet of annoyance: Drew. Your name is LeBlanc. This is U.S. America. Pronounce it LeBlonk and be done with it. LeBlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahhaahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is really annoying.

Let’s talk about the game, shall we? (Excuse me while I hang up my suit coat, zip up a cardigan, and lace up my stiff blue sneakers.)

1st Period

I stressed a lot for awhile. There wasn’t much established on either side, which was good because we weren’t getting dominated or anything, but bad because we weren’t playing our own game yet. Foppish Dandy Oliver Lauridsen (isn’t that the name of Ryan O’Neal’s character in Love Story?), who we will now call Preppie for all eternity, landed his preppy behind in the penalty box for wearing a color other than white on the tennis court. 14 seconds later, Justin Fontaine wham-bam-thank-you-ma’amed a goal and we were 1 for 1 on the power play. That was tUMD’s only power play of the game. I was somewhat depressed when St. Cloud actually scored a power play goal. I think they were confused about what happened. It was a somewhat foreign concept for them, at least in league play, as I previously discussed. The thing I like about split PKs is the team can focus their efforts a bit more, and they also don’t have to worry about getting tired. I was disappointed we couldn’t take advantage of that. The goal was a bit funky, but they all count the same.

2nd Period

Jacky to Justin to Jordy. Boom. 2-1. I wasn’t sure about this line at first but I think they are really going to take off. Jordy’s ready to break out.

3rd Period

Gergy got tripped by stupid Garrett Raboin, he of the horrible 80s first name and weird bothersome last name, and then decided he wanted a little time-out as well and went after Raboin, nullifying the power play we were about to receive. Not to worry. Mike Connolly is going to be posting Jase Weslosky’s jock strap on E-bay tonight, because his goal to put tUMD up 3-1 made it look like I was in net. Except Jase was maybe somewhat paying attention, and I’m not really capable of that.

Justin to Jacky to Jordy. Boom. 4-1. Love it.

Gergy took a penalty with under a minute to go when he just crushed Preppy McPrepstein. Preppy-poo took offense to getting his perfectly coifed hair messed up and his tennis arm bumped, and Sheriff Andrew Carroll had to take care of biznass. We ended up on the PK, but I pressed UP UP B B LEFT A START and after a turnover Kyle Schmidt scored a shorthanded goal to FINISH THEM!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Roe decided to get pissy and Huttel went crazy and they were both kicked out of the game. Well, Garrett, I’d be pissy too if I was -3 for the night and my little boyfriend (Lasch) was -4.

Where’s Mitch Ryan when you need him?

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season’s total: 6! (W00000t!)
Points until we equal last season’s total: 14! (Ultra W00000t!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 16!
Jack Connolly: 11! (Eeee! What a great game!!!)
Michael Gergen: 6 (Great chances, and also laid out some violent hits!)
Rob Bordson: 0 (AGAIN had a great game, it’s just a matter of time Robbio!)

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 12!
Jack Connolly: 11!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Drew Akins (DREW!!! YOU ARE GOING TO SCORE AGAINST CC!! GOT IT???)
Rob Bordson
Andrew Carroll
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Mike Montgomery
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Evan Oberg
Trent Palm

*a tUMD Touchdown is only 6 points. So named because tUMD had 2 extra points blocked today.

>We’re Not Mercyhurst!

29 November 2008

Hello, everyone! Are you all sleepy from your 4 a.m. jaunts to Walmart for cheap crap that no one wants to receive from you because they already know it’s cheap Walmart crap? I’ll take a gift receipt, please. Oh, we may have some St. Cloud fans in the hizzy this weekend, so I’ll try to make them feel included. Did you enjoy your campout at FleetFarm to get the lastest fashions from Carhart? Something in a coverall, perhaps?

Now, let’s talk about the real turkeys: Duh Huskies!!! (Heather, you can stop reading now. It’s better this way.)

“St. Cloud State University: you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Ah, Obi-Wan, you sure do know what you’re talking about.

We really laid the hurt down on St. Cloud in the first game of the series. In case you’ve forgotten, here is the box score and here is my recap. One is informative. The other is not. Guess which one!!!

To recap the recaps, the Connollys Connollied all over the Huskies. There was only one goal that was not either a direct or indirect result of a Connolly, and it was scored by Matt Greer from Andrew Carroll and Trent Palm. I always love goals where random combinations of people score. I mean, yes, Carroll and Greer were on the same line and all, but… well… they’re not exactly Bill Watson and Brett Hull. But, it was a very exciting goal and I was very unstressed once they scored. tUMD also went 3/7 on the power play and 6/6 on the penalty kill. Bob Vader tried to pull another Kronick by inserting *itch Ryan onto the 2nd line, but he barely touched the ice (yet managed to be -1 as he was on the ice for the first goal) and only showed up on the stat sheet by taking a boarding penalty.

Some things have changed. St. Cloud swept Denver after Denver swept us. They also split with Wisconsin whereas we only had 1 sad little point. St. Cloud also eked out a few wins against college hockey powerhouse Robert Morris. We took three against perennial bottom-feeder North Dakota. Chris Hepp cut his mullet. *itch Ryan hasn’t played since tX.

Some things have stayed the same. St. Cloud still has a terrible power play. They have 1 power play goal in conference play. ONE POWER PLAY GOAL. That is a power play percentage of 2.2%. I’m feeling pretty good about our pk. I always feel good about our PK, especially when Matty Greer is taking care of business out there.

I’m trying to figure out Garrett Roe’s status by wading through the SCCC season thread on USCHO (barf) but all I can find is domestic bickering between the cousin/sibling/spouses on there. Okay, something actually posted in the game thread and it appears Roe will be playing despite a BRUISE on his LEFT ARM. REPEAT: A BRUISE ON HIS LEFT ARM. DO YOU READ, ME? OVER. Well, I guess that means there will be two crybabies on the ice instead of just the usual Ryan Lasch. (HEATHER!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING!!!)

We need two points this weekend. Sic ’em, Dogs. Stick salute tomorrow night!

>Giving Thanks

27 November 2008

I’m a pretty big fan of Thanksgiving, because I like eating, and also because I am a descendant of participants in the first Thanksgiving. I also have a lot to be thankful for, most of which is not interesting to anyone here. (We are all going to pretend I sometimes write interesting things.) Let me instead take the time to thank my Bulldogs.

First of all, to the entire team: thanks for coming to UMD. I’m glad that you guys are putting on the jersey and I have so much fun writing about you guys. Thanks for making the Sioux fans siouxicidal last weekend. Also, thanks for not being giant jerks to me like Kurt Davis was to Let’sGoMavs!!!

Jack Connolly: Eee! My favorite goes first. Thanks for picking your hometown school! And for all the great plays you make, those nifty touch passes and the dispsy-doodle (TM Bruce Ciskie) moves you make around clueless defenders.

Mike Connolly: Thanks for humiliating the goalie from Western Michigan with that totally sick goal, and for all those smooth moves with the puck. I can’t wait to see you tear up this league.

David Grun: Thanks for stepping in against Wisconsin and playing like you belonged, and thanks for almost scoring a goal on practically your first shift (how awesome would it have been if you had??? But it was still great to see you hustle!)

Brady Hjelle: Thanks for picking up the team when they needed it in Denver, and making some saves that made the Pioneers look like Peewees. I know you’re pushing Al to be his best.

Scott Kishel: Thanks for all the hard work you do; I know you wouldn’t crack the lineup without it. Thanks for choosing tUMD, like all good Range kids should. Thanks in advance for the awesome QBing you’ll be doing on the PP.

Brady Lamb: Thanks for stepping up and being a force on the blueline, and playing like you’ve always been here. And also, thanks for being so nice to me and Let’s Go Mavs and maybe *almost* making her not hate Stalock. And for promising to make Kurt Davis pay.

Travis Oleksuk: Thanks for being a 2nd generation Bulldog, and for all the hard work you put in. Thanks for stepping up when needed and playing like you belonged, which you do!

Rob Bordson: Thanks for coming back last Saturday and playing like you’d never left the lineup, and for all the great chances you created as well. Also, thanks for being nice to me at the X.

Cody Danberg: Thanks for the spirit and the fire you play with; maybe it wasn’t so smart to take a spearing penalty but I can never really fault a guy who stands up for his teammates. Thanks for being Hunter C.’s favorite, because he really knows who’s who with the Bulldogs.

Justin Fontaine: Thanks for having the breakout year I knew you’d have, because I’m a great hockey mind. Thanks for all those points you’ve racked up for MEg on her fantasy team, since I told her to pick you. Or maybe she picked you on her own, I can’t remember. Thanks for being so humble when I bugged you at Blackwoods even though I ran away before you could even say thanks.

Chad Huttel: Thanks for having a superb game on Saturday night and for continuing to improve your defensive skills. Thanks for developing into a heckofa penalty killer and proving again and again you deserve the ice time.

Mike Montgomery: Thanks for seamlessly transitioning from forward to defence, and for having ZERO PENALTIES on the season! That’s a huge accomplishment for someone still adjusting to the position who also happens to be a big guy.

Evan Oberg: Thanks for exploding offensively, as I knew you would once you healed from your injury, and for not forgetting your defensive responsibilities.

Kenny Reiter: Thanks for pushing Al and Brady in practice, and for showing dedication to the team. So glad you red-shirted and can stick around for an additional season!

Kyle Schmidt: Thanks for taking one for the team right in the face, and then coming right back out the next night and playing your heinie off. Amy B. is devastated that there might have been damage to your face, though.

Drew Akins: Thanks for being the ugly goal guy, which we so desperately needed. Thanks for the power play goals and for being an all-around badassssssssss. And thanks for enjoying my Tougher in Alaska montage!

Jordan Fulton: Thanks for that goal on Saturday night, which I know is going to be the first of MANY for you this year. Thanks for all the skill and versatility you bring to the game!

Trent Palm: Thanks for the great game you had on Saturday night! When DHG is complimenting you, you KNOW it’s a big deal. And thanks for throwing around those hip checks even though you’ve got a “lower body injury.”

Chase Ryan: Thanks for sticking with this team, unlike certain other people with the same last name. Rumor has it you’re a great guy with a great attitude, and I know your time will come.

Alex Stalock: Thank you a million times over for the saves you make and the plays you start. Thanks for being feisty and an agitator, because every team needs one of those guys. Also, thanks for the joke you told FHG at the Final Five last year, although I recommend you are careful what company you’re in when you tell it.

Andrew Carroll: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for being the hardest worker out there and for the leadership you’ve shown through your unprecedented three years wearing a letter; someone who commands so much respect is a true gem and we fans are lucky to have you.

Jay Cascalenda: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for picking up the defensive role when we needed help at the blueline, and for improving your skating and discipline so we can count on you to hold the blue line.

Michael Gergen: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for playing through your injuries and busting your butt whether you’re on the “first” line or the “fourth” line. Thanks for your versatility, and for caring what the fans think (even though you shouldn’t! Except for me because you know you’re my fave.)

Matt Greer: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for being a one-man penalty-killing machine, perhaps the most important role on the team given the changes in officiating. Thanks for being a badassss mofo; you’re the unsung hero of this team.

Nick Kemp: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for all the fire and heart you bring to this team, for being KEMPER THE WRECKER and doing whatever needs to be done: pk, pp, enforcer, scorer, backchecker, grinder, and so on and so on.

Josh Meyers: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for your shot from the point and the wicked fast passes you can make. Thanks for crunching the opposition and for being the leader and mentor of the blueliners.

MacGregor Sharp: Thanks for staying for all four years. Thanks for the insane amount of work it sounds like you did this summer, and for that scoring touch you’ve found (which I knew you had in you). Thanks for all the face-off wins and the myriad roles you’ve filled so effortlessly in your time here.

Lastly, thanks readers for reading. The nicest thing about writing RWD (and its insular readership) is that I’m writing almost exclusively for my friends and my family; thanks for the fun comments and the sharp wit and enough of a sense of humor to allow me to poke fun at you sometimes (or repeatedly, if you’re FHG).

>Gorgeousness And Gorgeousity Made Flesh

23 November 2008

tUMD 3, Terrible Power Play 1

You know, say what you will about Godzilla, but he gets results. He ravaged Tokyo. I ravaged my apartment. And now? A win. Superb! This game was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now.* It’s going to be a trail of tears back to Grand Forks for those fans that made the trip. Thankfully the state is flat or there’d be throngs of people lining up to jump off cliffs.

So many good things about this game. Let’s discuss!

1. Ok, this is a bad thing in a way, but stupid B2 thought the game started at 7:37. The Charter channel wasn’t working right away and I was in a state of panic. I always have the radio going (and THAT didn’t start until just before game time, thanks to the sub-chimpanzees that work back at the station) but I like to SEE things. I emailed B2 and they said “The game starts at 7:37, please stand by.” I responded kindly (ha!) and they wrote back with a link saying I would not be charged for the game. I responded, again all sweetness and light, explaining that the problem was not the feed once it got started, but rather the game had already been underway for half an hour. They did not have any further comment at presstime. If it hadn’t been in Charter I would have cut someone. I really needed to SEE the glories of this game.

2. We certainly took a lot of penalties, but our PK was so amazing tonight!!! I mean yeah, they did give up a goal, but that was on the 9th pp. There certainly were some scares where we just got lucky, but overall it was just HIGH QUALITY PLAY. We cleared the zone a LOT and normally on the PK we spend most of our time blocking shots and breaking up shooting lanes which makes me very nervous (let’s face it, when am I NOT nervous during a hockey game?), but tonight it seemed like we forced a turnover just as soon as NDK tried to gain the zone.

3. Speaking of gaining the zone, as Rik put it, “the Bulldogs put up a nice picket fence on the blue line.” Classic NDK hockey usually involves a strong transition game and for long stretches of the game they could not gain the zone. I feel like we are usually on the receiving end of that kind of defence, so it was great to see us play that way. GREAT adjustments from Friday to Saturday. We need to learn to defend and break out against multiple styles of play.

4. “Gergen’s” goal was nice, although as much as I love Michael (and he looked very sexy in his television interview after the first period), I really don’t think he touched it out front, but it is so hard to tell. Palm had a pretty great game overall (Palm-wise) and even though he took a few penalties, I’m just happy he made it on the stat sheet in another way. And boy did that water bottle pop!

3. Jordan Fulton’s goal was about the most perfect goal I’ve seen since Mike Connolly undressed the WMU goalie. Fulton and Fontaine had a 2 on 1 with some hoser from UND (I could look up his name but it’s not really important, they all suck) and Fontaine made a pass to Fulton that resulted in a wide open net and Jordy did not make any doubt about it. Also, Jordy is a MUCH better hockey name than Jordan, so I will try to refer to him as Jordy from now on.

4. While Fulton’s goal was perfect, the entire play that set up MacGregor Sharp’s goal was beyond perfect. Josh Meyers at the point to Mike Connolly in the semi-high slot to MacGregor Sharp who slammed it home. Two extremely quick passes to get that set up; any little error or misfire and that goal doesn’t happen. I mean, that’s the type of play that works perfectly in practice but never seems to go right in reality. But that’s three skilled guys putting it together and executing flawlessly.

5. Alex Stalock, of course, rocked everyone’s faces off. He wasn’t really tested much to start the game, but once he was, he showed he was up to the task. He had a shutout going until 7:28 was left in the game, but I don’t really care that he gave up one goal. As demoralizing as it would have been to the weeping masses in UND’s camp to get shutout by the “vastly inferior” “clutching and grabbing” “UAA-like” Bulldogs, 1 GA is still pretty sharp. God did he make some amazing saves, sometimes seemingly at the last minute!

6. I can’t single out anyone who had a bad game. Everyone seemed to be having great individual games and every line and defensive pairing worked well together. That was one well-oiled machine out there tonight, and I was so happy and proud to be a Bulldogs fan. I’m always glad I’m a Bulldogs fan but it’s just so much more fun when we win! I was happy to see them assert themselves after a tie. Because the DECC is OUR HOUSE and we are rude hosts.

I will reiterate, for those UND fans who might have missed it: It has been my experience that the more someone knows about the game of hockey, the less they complain about the officiating of individual games.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season’s total: 7! (Marvelous!)
Points until we equal last season’s total: 16! (Glorious!)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 15! (FANTASTIC goal!!!)
Jack Connolly: 9! (Totally awesome tonight! Almost had a goal or 2 also!)
Michael Gergen: 6! (A total sweetie and humble about it!)
Rob Bordson: 0 (But back in action! And played really well!)

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 11!
Jack Connolly: 9!
David Grun: 0
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0

On Notice:
Drew Akins
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Matt Greer
Mike Montgomery
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Andrew Carroll
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Trent Palm

*This and the title are A Clockwork Orange quotations. Although they are describing something entirely different. If you’ve seen the movie, then you know. If you haven’t, well, you’re culturally illiterate and most likely a St. Cloud fan.

>RWDzilla

22 November 2008

>tUMD 2, Ref Whiners 2

First of all, as a sister, I am offended that tying is considered “sister-kissing.” There’s nothing wrong with family affection. I mean, we’re not talking about a tonsil scraping here, but just a nice peck on the cheek. Not that I have kissed my brother since I was probably 4 years old or possibly younger, but I am by no means the yardstick by which people should measure themselves. I am barely taller than a yardstick, for crying out loud.

Last night was a bit of a challenge for me. I was doing okay until something really annoying and un-hockey related set me off. I was staaaaaaaaaaaaaaarving and I had ordered a pizza that was taking forever. It finally arrived right before Travis Oleksuk’s penalty, and The Aaaahj went down to get it. Then the phone rang and EVENTUALLY after a few minutes of stoner-talk, I was able to ascertain it was the pizza delivery man-child, telling me he had grabbed the wrong order and would be back in “five minutes.” So I had to run back downstairs and grab the Aaaahj DURING A PENALTY KILL and then he wasn’t there because he’d gone to the other entrance to the apartment to see if the man-child was there. I RAN back to the apartment and OF COURSE UND had scored and I kicked the door in frustration.

Things escalated.

Then Jacky got kicked out of the game for a check from behind. I threw my cell phone across the room. Not just because of my Jacky, but also because I lost faith that we would come back. I’m sorry, guys. I never should have done that. First tUMD had a great 2 on 1 scoring chance, but in order to break up the 2 on 1, Chris VandeVelde (who has a capital letter in the middle of their name? LOSERS!) took out Andrew Carroll and they both went crashing into the net.

I never cease to be amazed by the North Dakota fanbase. This game was televised, so we all had a great look at the play and I know there was at least one replay. It was the only thing that Vandevelde could do and the right play to make, but IT WAS A PENALTY. And UND fans thought it should be on tUMD. Yes, on a 2 on 1 scoring chance we are going to take a penalty for… trying to score on your team? But, Ben Blood punching Trent Palm repeatedly in the head is something to be lauded and praised. I expect a parade for him thrown once they return to Grand Forks. (P.S. Welcome back Trent, but could you please tone down the penalties?)

It has been my experience that the more someone knows about the game of hockey, the less they complain about the officiating of individual games. That’s all I’ll say on that note.

Fortunately, on the ensuing power play, we scored to tie the game! I almost had a heart attack when they reviewed the goal. The longer they deliberated about Josh’s goal, the more I panicked. And Bruce and Rik weren’t helping matters. I knew it was a goal (bless you, Channel 13!) but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be waved off. We’ve already experienced that this season.

Some people have commented that tUMD fans acted like we won the game while UND fans acted like we lost, implying that somehow tUMD is bad and our fans are so pathetic we’re happy with a tie. I disagree. Obviously our fans were a lot more excited because we were the last team to score, and we were facing a loss with under 2 minutes left in the game. I’m happy with a tie if it means we got a point when we were facing none; what sane person wouldn’t be? Oh… I suppose sane would be the operative word here.

All in all, good job to tUMD for never quitting and really hustling in that 3rd period, despite playing the second game in a row down 2 players (if you recall, Cody Danberg and Mike Connolly were both asked to leave the Saturday night game against UW). And Kyle Schmidt, I hope you got a lot of painkillers. How about sending me a photo of your busted cage?

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season’s total: 8
Points until we equal last season’s total: 18! (Okay, creeping along.)

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 14! (Yay!!! Off notice!!)
Jack Connolly: 7 (Argh. Don’t wanna talk about it.)
Michael Gergen: 5
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 10
Jack Connolly: 7
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0 (But! Cracked the lineup! And took the penalty that led to the 2nd goal!)
David Grun: 0

On Notice (Step up, guys!):
Drew Akins
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Jack Connolly
Jordan Fulton
Matt Greer
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Andrew Carroll
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm

>The Gauntlet: Hooked on Phonics Edition

19 November 2008

Next up to run the Gauntlet: the grammatically challenged Goon of Goon’s World.

RWD: When did you become a Sioux fan?

Goon: 1992 when I was over visiting a friend of mine that was going to school at Mayville State and we went to a Sioux game. I was hooked.

RWD: Geez. You’re like 100 years older than me and I’ve been a Bulldog fan longer than you’ve been a Sioux fan. [Almost everyone I Gauntlet is way older than me, with the exception of MEg.]

Goon: It was against NMU, MEg’s favorite team.

RWD: Were they in tWCHA then?

Goon: Yes they were in the WCHA. Living in International Falls, MN, I was actually a Bulldog fan before I was a Sioux fan. [Hockey Fandom: You’re doing it wrong.] I had a Tom Herzig Jersey. It was the mid-1980’s. [What is this, blog noir?]

RWD: And then came The Fall. [How existential of me.]

Goon: I turned to the Dark Side, as some would say, after I returned from the service. [Do people even say that anymore? I mean, non-grandparents?]

RWD: Brady Hjelle is from International Falls.

Goon: I didn’t know that, and I am not familiar with his family name.

RWD: How do you feel about our backup goalie being better than all 3 of your goalies if they were in net at the same time?

Goon: If he is better than Stalock then he is a really good goalie. [Is this a clever misdirection? Or just Goon missing the point?]

RWD: What about the Sioux? Are you a fan of them? I mean the real humans of the Sioux tribe.

Goon: I spent a lot of time at Spirit Lake when I worked as a recruiter for Job Corps, so I have met a lot of people from the Sioux nation, and yeah I am a fan. I also have known a good number of people that are of Chippewa descent.

RWD: Do you go to Spirit Lake and sit on a bench and yell “Let’s Go Sioux!” as people walk down the street and stuff?

Goon: Nah, they walk down the street like you and I and they don’t do chants like Let’s Go Sioux… [Ok, I’m pretty sure that Goon was missing the point before, because he certainly is now.]

RWD: I meant, do you cheer them on? Like, “Way to drive that car!!!”

Goon: Noooo, how silly. [Really? Ya think?]

RWD: And if someone from Wisconsin rear-ended them would you raise your arm in the air and call for a penalty?

Goon: No, I would give them the one finger salute.

RWD: Oh, you’d pull a Hakstol?

Goon: Yeah, I can’t fault Hak for giving someone the bird. It is like the Grand Forks wave. [God, sounds like GF is full of jerks.] It is quite common here. In defense of Hak, Adam was calling a horrible game and I would have done more than give him the bird; I would have been ushered out of the rink after the calls in the first two periods. I would have probably been throwing water bottles and towels and yelling really loud… [I can’t imagine what it would be like to be around someone like that.]

RWD: Is it ever not the ref’s fault? I mean, aren’t the Sioux players just sometimes hacking goons without skill? [Sometimes? What am I saying? Always!]

Goon: Well, if you listen to a few of my blogger buddies, you would think that UND are a bunch of hacks and goons and start every fight and wherever there are high penalty minutes, the Sioux are involved. [I see nothing wrong with this assessment.]

RWD: I don’t think that. I know it.

Goon: You told me that the Sioux were the kings of clutching [I changed the spelling of this… among MANY OTHER words.] and grabbing last March at the Final Five.

RWD: I am wise.

Goon: Oops clutching… I affraid to miss spell a words. See I am scared. Afraid. Sorry

RWD: I’ll edit it. [Except for that part. Now you have a taste of how hard I work for you people.]

Goon: Good.

RWD: Trust me. I can’t have this [feces] on my site. People will be impressed [with Goon’s seemingly stellar spelling].

Goon: That is part of the schtick. [God! He’d even spelled “schtick” wrong! “Stick???”]

RWD: Do you think all the ads on your site might pay for a copy editor?

Goon: Nah I haven’t got a dime. I did get 300.00 from the Ticket Liquidator and 75.00 bucks [???] from another person for putting up 8 links [What person was that? Geist the Blog Whore?], but nothing from Yard Barker yet. Versus game me a hat as well. [Noticing his error] Ah crap gave, I can’t type on my new computer.

RWD: Uh, sure. It’s the refs fault; it’s the computer’s fault. Typical UND fan. Another typical UND fan behavior is whining about the polls. Who even cares? [Seriously, they have no bearing on anything.]

Goon: I think polls are great reading in the morning when you’re eating breakfast. Then you can line the bird cage with them. Only thing is I don’t have a bird. Dog would eat it… because he is a bird dog… [Well, you could train him.]

RWD: I wish I could vote in polls. [I should vote. I am a legitimate member of the media.] I would vote so annoyingly. You would die.

Goon: I don’t want the responsibility. I don’t find you annoying; I find you to be funny and thought provoking. [There’s a first time for everything. Usually I’m just provoking.]

RWD: #1 Air Force. #2 Princeton.

Goon: That would drive me nuts. And Miami number three, right?

RWD: Your favorite team!

Goon: I actually think they are a nice story. Ryan Jones was a monster [Frankenstein or Gamera?]; I just like arguing with Redhawk from USCHO. I called him Red Hack.

RWD: You know how you feel about polls? Well, I feel that way about Sioux7. I could use him to line my cat’s litter box. [If he ever used his litter box…]

Goon: Sioux7 is my old college roommate. We emptied many of beer cans and whiskey bottles when I was in college. [That explains a lot.]

RWD: Well he is solely to blame for my Dogs’ season.

Goon: Team effort.

RWD: No. I won’t let you take the blame too. [What a gallant gesture!] ALL SIOUX7.

Goon: Um, the Gandalf the Red likes Donn’s predictions because the more he predicts wrong, the more the Badgers win. I don’t do predictions. I won’t say Sioux sweep like Dirty. Bad mojo.

RWD: Gandalf the Red lives in his mom’s basement and has an awful blog. [To be fair, he’s not the only person who sucks on it. There are other sucky people too.]

Goon: I actually like his blog he said that Stalock was a sieve. [I wonder if he understands the meaning of the word.] I don’t believe it though…

RWD: He thought that Wisconsin should have won on Friday night. Must have been some bad reception in mom’s basement. [More tinfoil for the rabbit ears next time.] Or he was distracted by his Dungeons and Dragons game.

Goon: I think they are an enigma. Connelly is not very good [but Connollys are very good!], but they played well when the BADgers played UND and they went on a run after playing the Sioux [against the WCHA powerhouses of tUMD and MTU!]. Mom’s basement, yikes… That is harsh.

RWD: Please. Lord of the Rings fan + Wisconsin loser = Basement dweller. [Like Aaron Neville, I’m tellin’ it like it is.]

Goon: I am a Harry Potter fan myself, I have never watched Lord of the Rings.

RWD: And you live above ground! Shot and a goal!

Goon: Yep, and the wind blows a lot here in God’s Country…

RWD: I thought that was Montana.

Goon: I know, Montana sucks and Minnesota blows right?

RWD: Minnesota rocks. We’ve got trees.

Goon: And we have tree belts. [What?] I like Minnesota and I would move back, but I like North Dakota.

RWD: How do you even have a deer stand in ND if you don’t have a tree to build it in?

Goon: Duck hunting… [That is not an answer.] We don’t do tree stands; we walk and push sloughs for deer. We also do some road hunting as well…

RWD: When I was driving to Houghton, I drove by a deer on the side of the road with its head cut off and a bird eating its carcass. [Glorious nature!] Do you do that? Take the heads off of roadkill deer and mount them on your wall? [I think that’s what he means by “road hunting.”]

Goon: Road Kill. There is a town on Hwy 2 on the way to the UP in Michigan that’s named Spread Eagle. [I think FHG is moving there.] That isn’t really the question, but you are right there are a lot of deer in Michigan [I don’t recall saying that] and you probably will see a lot of road kill. It is the same in ND as well. I feel that there are way too many deer in the upper Midwest. [What a civic minded man! He should have a key to the city of Grand Forks!] I have a rack I got off a deer I shot three years ago that I still haven’t hung on the wall…

RWD: I have a rack too but it’s not off no deer. [Hi Dad!] Do you think the animals you kill have souls?

Goon: A deep question. [Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it.] Yeah, I think so. I don’t see them in my sleep.

RWD: Does that mean that maybe you have no soul?

Goon: Philosophy! I didn’t know we were going to get into a deep conversation; I would have drunk a few Miller Lites in preparation. [Why? Do you crave gut rot from glorified water?] I have a soul but my wife says that I am kind of shallow. Kind of like the guy in big daddy where the kid pees on the bed and he covers it up with a news paper. I guess I have been labeled to be that guy… [WHAT?]

RWD: I… am… speechless. [Seriously. I mean, how am I supposed to respond?] MOVING ON! Let’s talk about the Sioux!

Goon: Uh oh…

RWD: I heard Vandevelde’s tearing it up! He got an empty netter against CC!

Goon: Yep into our own net. I have never seen that before. (I heard it on the radio). [Tragically not on YouTube yet!]

RWD: It happens. [Poor Nisky.]

Goon: I was a football player so I don’t know about that.

RWD: What about that guy that ran the wrong way for the Vikings?

Goon: Yep he was a Vikings player, and I was kind of young when that happened.

RWD: So it happens.

Goon: Yep.

RWD: Ryan Duncan: overrated or extremely overrated?

Goon: Duncan is awesome, not over rated. You would think the guy is an absolute hack thought.

RWD: I would think that. He also lies.

Goon: I am pretty sure Ryan is very Hobey Baker-like. [Mike Curry was robbed!] I don’t know about lying.

RWD: He said he is 5’6″.

Goon: He might not be that tall.

RWD: See! LIAR!

Goon: I am not going to measure him.

RWD: Are you going to go to Duluth this weekend?

Goon: Nope I have to work this weekend and Mrs. Goon is working overnights so I won’t be making the trip. One of my friends wanted me to go, but I don’t want to drive that far either.

RWD: It’s not on Mars. It’s not that far.

Goon: I have been down Hwy 2 to Duluth a lot lately. My boss probably wouldn’t let me take the time off. It’s 260 miles.

RWD: Why did you tell people they should go to Little Angie’s?

Goon: They have killer food. I ate there a couple of weeks ago when we took Abby [the Spawn of Goon] to the doctor. Their margaritas are awesome. [Get one in a rocks glass!] One of them will give you a great buzz.

RWD: Barf. Killer. You said it. [Little Angie’s is disgusting.]

Goon: I was impressed with your drink gauntlet.

RWD: FHG was not impressed. [Nor was he present, he was sitting on his butt in tGarden watching the Golden Chokers.]

Goon: That guy is funny.

RWD: -looking. God, I’m really mean. [I can’t write a post without taking a shot at FHG! Sorry hon!]

Goon: The whole hat thing is cool; he should paint it Green and White…

RWD: No. It has the right colors.

Goon: Maroon and Gold aren’t my colors.

RWD: Wrong emblem. Do you miss T.J. Oshie?

Goon: Yes I do, the kid was a monster player. T.J. Oshie kicked some serious [badonkadonk] while he was here. Gave his all. [All over the elevator floor!]

RWD: And you posted his dad’s “public statement.”

Goon: Yes I did. You remember that?

RWD: Yes. I rudely commented on it. [It was basically Papa Osh kissing up to all the people helping with his celebrity golf tourney thinly disguised as a “thank you” letter from “T.J.”]

Goon: Now I remember that conversation. It was last summer after Oshie signed with the Blues.

RWD: I recall. What should we expect to see this weekend? Who’s going to be in goal? [Does it even matter?]

Goon: Brad Eidsness will be in goal and I don’t know what to expect.

RWD: If you wanted to give Walski a confidence boost you could play him. [Eeee! Sorry guys! I didn’t mean it! You are awesome!! Mama loves you!!!]

Goon: I think UND is starting to get it going and actually the forwards are more talented this year. If I was the coach Walski would never touch the ice again. We do not benefit from playing a kid that is a senior when we have two freshmen that need experience. Eidsness is a way better goalie than Walski. I am sure some the ND state high school hockey homer will not like this, but that is how I feel. [First Ziggy, then Walski. ND is producing some goalies with great credentials!]

RWD: Don’t hold back now.

Goon: I call it the Walski experiment. LGM aka Amy likes it but I don’t.

RWD: I like it too. We need some goals.

Goon: I am sure you do. Heck UMD has scored more goals that UND. [Miracle of miracles.] I can’t make any predictions because I don’t know what to expect. [Cop out!] The games are on TV so I can watch them both.

RWD: How will UND win this weekend? [As if.]

Goon: They will win by making the Bulldogs pay for defensive zone break downs, solid defense and hitting and hustling.

RWD: And how will they lose? [Now we’re talkin’.]

Goon: They lose if they don’t respect the ‘Dogs. They have to hit them [very respectful] and protect the puck. Transition and stay out of the box. No selfish penalties. [How is a penalty “selfish?” I would more say “stupid.” But stupidity can’t be helped.] They must not let Stalock get comfortable and see the puck, screen the goalie and let Hextall get in the Bulldogs’ kitchen. [Make Mama a sandwich while you’re in there, honey!] If they don’t play smart they will lose.

RWD: Hextall is going to win the Hobey Baker this year.

Goon: Nope but I love the way that kid plays. [Really? A genius came on here and left that prognostication!] I told Sioux7 he was like Prpich Lite. Only with more offensive skill. [No one is more offensive than Prp.]

RWD: Bleccch. Drew Akins will wipe the ice with him. [He will jump on him and use his stick to row, row, row the Brett gently around the rink.]

Goon: I am not familiar with Drew Akins.

RWD: Are you familiar with anyone? [He’s a freaking junior!]

Goon: I have not watched your team play this season. I am familiar with teams we have played, but I haven’t had the opportunity to see the Dogs. I know your goalie is awesome.

RWD: That’s tragic. Stalock is [awesome, I mean].

Goon: Yep Alex, LGM’s favorite goalie… [Brady Lamb worked diligently to try to change her mind. With his smooth Barry White voice, I think he might have gotten through to her.] If you have some film on the Bulldogs I will watch it.

RWD: Nothing you want to see… [Restraining order #330] Speaking of that: Who is the hottest Sioux player?

Goon: On the women’s team?

RWD: Are we talking about the women’s team here? NO.

Goon: I don’t know. I don’t swing that way.

RWD: You can appreciate the attractiveness of people without being a homosexual. Like me and MEg.

Goon: Hey what people do behind closed door is fine with me as long as I don’t have to see visual evidence. I don’t know how to judge men for attractiveness. That is a loaded question that LGM asked me as well and I haven’t fallen for the trick so far… I am too quick… [It’s too easy. I won’t do it.]

RWD: It’s not a trick. It’s been a standard of the Gauntlet since its inception.

Goon: Ok, do I have to answer that question?

RWD: YES! [Why would I asked otherwise?] Ladies need to know! [I provide a public service.]

Goon: Hextall.

RWD: Let me see. [Pause while I look him up] Well, I didn’t vomit at his photo.

Goon: Wow, that’s good to know.

RWD: But he’s no Darcy Zajac. [Mmmmm]

Goon: I will take your word for it.

RWD: If you’d said Joe Finley I would have died. And you would be arrested. [For murder.]

Goon: That was my next choice.

RWD: So you think Bert from Sesame Street is good-looking?

Goon: Nope…

RWD: Because he and Joe are one and the same. Same eyebrows. Same consuming rage.

Goon: Yes I do, I have an eyebrow. No rage, I am a very happy person…

RWD: What?

Goon: vhat?

RWD: I said Bert and Joe Finley were the same. Not you and Joe Finley. Or you and Bert.

Goon: oh, miss that one. No, duh, woopppsss. [I left this in to prove a point.]

RWD: So, let’s see if you can get through one more question without a glaring error. Weekend prediction? (And you MUST make one!)

Goon: split. Sioux Friday, Dogs win Saturday.

RWD: Wow, you even managed to mess that up! DOGS SWEEP!

>The Truth Is Out There

18 November 2008

I guess UND Blogger Extraordinaire Dirty had his little undies in a bunch after UND split with UAA, so he decided to take it out on me. And no, he couldn’t find anything to say about ME, because 1. he is too scared and 2. I am gorgeous and perfect, so he thought he’d take it out on innocent Connollys. Well, Dirty needs to learn, if you mess with the cubs, look out for Mama bear!

I have been secretly gathering intel on Dirty for WEEKS, for exactly this purpose. I didn’t know exactly how he would strike, but I knew I needed to be ready.

Dirty’s parents (whose basement he resides in) sent me his baby picture.

He insists on using a litter box instead of a toilet.

Dirty’s favorite song is “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz. He also likes Panic! at the Disco.

Dirty let Zach Jones pierce his nipple. Just the left one.

Dirty’s dream home is a single-wide trailer in St. Cloud, MN. With DudeLove as a roommate.

When Dirty was last suspended from USCHO, he cried for a week.

He cried harder than that during John Denver’s Wildlife Concert.

His favorite blog is Hammy’s.

The above photo is security camera footage of Dirty moments before he stole an old woman’s purse. That old “woman” turned out to be PCM.

Dirty stole the Lindbergh baby.

For every post Dirty makes on USCHO, he donates $.01 to PBS. He calls in every individual pledge. They’ve tried to block his number, but he’s resorted to using pay phones.

You know that elevator TJ Oshie peed in last year? Dirty licked its floor.

I don’t even need Photoshop to make incriminating photos of Dirty.

Shortly after this photo was taken, he made out with Brenthoven, who said it was just so-so.

Dirty has a signed Danny Irmen jockstrap. He also sleeps with a stuffed Badger named Robbie.

He thinks Brandon Geist is cute. He said he loves the dimples. He’s plotting to kill T in her sleep.

Maid in Manhattan is Dirty’s favorite movie, followed by Beaches.

Dirty puts up his Christmas decorations in September, even before Macy’s.

His signature karaoke song is “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. He practices in front of the mirror nightly.

That picture of Duncs and Kozek in the hottub is the desktop background on his computer, except he digitally inserted his face over Kozek.

>Walk of Shame

17 November 2008

tUMD 1, Commies 4

Oh god. I really don’t want to write this. Not just because I’m dead tired and still fuzzy from all the, um, excitement of yesterday, but also because… well, the game.

But let’s talk about the real winners from yesterday. No, not the Sons of Stalin, but the hard-drinking boys and girls of the Penalty Box, who presciently drank away what I can only describe as a day that should otherwise be forgotten.

Let’s have a little play-by-play.

2:00 – Grandmas Saloon
I was a little late, and there weren’t that many people there, mainly the organizers, Sando and C…C…C…, and a few others. Some of the group had started drinking at 10 even after a rough night before. Ooh-rah hard-chargers! Quote of the bar: “I cracked open my first beer while I was on the phone with my mom.” I’m sure she’s proud.
I drank: a shot of Jack Daniels

2:22 – Bellisios
The point of doing Bellisio’s early is to ensure we are not unbelievably drunk by the time we arrive there. I think in the future it could be skipped without any great loss to tDHW, but it does have a bar and is in Canal Park. It’s just expensive. And we are obvs. way too classy for it. A few more joined our group. Quote of the bar: “Next time I’ll order their second cheapest wine.”
I drank: nothing

2:44 – Little Angie’s
Slowest service ever! How long does it take to make a Mojito? Correction: how long does it take to START a Mojito? Also, Sando asked for a margarita in a “rocks glass” because he didn’t want a whole giant margarita. He received it in practically a pint glass. Quote of the bar: “Give me some of that pineapple crap.” I meant the pineapple-infused rum. Which was good.
I drank: a shot of the aforementioned “pineapple crap.”

3:06 – Club Saratoga
We left Little Angie’s a bit early, so we were at tToga for a long time. Listening to boring jazz music. The Gopher game was on TV and they showed MEg. I called her and told her I loved her. Quote of the bar: “I tried to lick the pole. It tasted good.”
I drank: nothing

3:28 – Red Lobster
Red Lobster was a pretty uneventful bar–until the end. They were really nice and gave us complimentary biscuits, which were very well received. For a lot of us, that was our dinner. As we were leaving, someone was talking about how they wished they had a big fish to throw on the ice that night. Someone else pointed out there was a tank of lobsters and we could use one of them. Quote of the bar: “Thank you!” That was the hostess at Red Lobster as we went out the door; she was completely oblivious to the hijinks behind her. C…C…C… had just stuck his hand in the lobster tank and pulled one out, posing for a few photos.
I drank: a shot of Crown Royal, aka C. Royale, Attorney-at-law

3:50 – Hell’s Kitchen
Things really picked up here as tAnchor crew showed up and rounded out the group. I wouldn’t say anything really exciting happened here though. Tragic. No quote of the bar.
I drank: nothing, I think.

4:12 – Timberlodge
Monte and Tom showed up, which was very exciting. Timberlodge was also the only place that had happy hour specials! On a Saturday! Way to go, Timberlodge! It was something like $3 beers and $4 rail drinks? I would have a “Quote of the bar” but I can’t remember what the bartender’s response was when I asked him what the rail whiskey was. I decided to pay extra rather than drink turpentine or whatever it was.
I drank: a shot of Windsor

4:34 – Old Chicago
O.C. was supposed to be our food stop, but it was pretty packed so the organizers called an audible and decided to eat at Green Mill instead. People got very into the puzzle game at the bar. Quote of the bar: “WISCONSIN SUCKS!!!” “Nice to meet you, too.” Yeah, I kind of ambushed a girl. But, seriously. They suck.
I drank: a Scooby Snack

4:56 – Green Mill
I didn’t eat anything here but quite a few people did. I spent most of my time yelling at the top of my lungs, which is how I usually converse with people. Evidently, after we left for Famous Dave’s, some of the crew that stayed behind got kicked out for some inventive spelling. Quote of the bar: “I was surprised to hear you were married after all the things you said about Mike Curry.”
I drank: nothing

5:37 – Famous Dave’s
Famous Dave’s does not have a bar. All it has is a walk-up window where we ordered booze. If you looked in the kitchen, there was a shelf with like 10 bottles of alcohol. That was their bar. Amazing. Beers were really cheap there.
I drank: nothing

5:59 – Sports Garden
Upon entering tGarden, I ambushed poor FHG and harrassed him until he agreed to buy me a drink. What a good guy. (SEE. I SAID SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOU, AND IT WASN’T A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT.) Then I assaulted a poor, unsuspecting Bulldog fan simply because he would not tell me why he had a purple pass to get into games. But seriously, Mike, if you had just told me then there would have been no need for violence.
I drank: a shot of Jack Daniels

6:30 – Curling Club
Everyone sort of splintered off at this point. I didn’t stay there too long because I wanted to get into my seat. I think… yeah, I made it to my seat for introductions.
I drank: nothing

And then… the game. Which was not fun. Gergy had an assist, which was very exciting, and we certainly had some chances, but all in all it was a rotten game. I am rarely critical on here because I don’t feel it’s necessary (the commenters on Pates’s blog have got that taken care of!) nor am I enough of a great hockey mind to really break down the game. But there wasn’t a single aspect of the game that went well for tDogs last night, and we were never really in the game. It was unfortunate, and I don’t expect to see it happen again. It shouldn’t happen again. There is enough talent and sense on this team to respond with fire and intensity against probably the most vulnerable North Dakota team in years. I expect 4 points this weekend, or an effort worthy of 4 points, at the very least. We will lose some games; it’s just part of the season. But I expected those losses to be games where the team fights the whole time. And I don’t mean by hurting people, I mean by making smart plays and hustling. I know we’ve got some fast guys on the team, so SKATE. SERIOUSLY.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season’s total: 8
Points until we equal last season’s total: 19

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 12
Jack Connolly: 7
Michael Gergen: 5!
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 10 (Obviously would have had a hatty if McBain had not been such a little baby!)
Jack Connolly: 7
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0
David Grun: 0

On Notice (Getting too long boys! Come on!):
Drew Akins
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Jack Connolly
Jordan Fulton
Matt Greer
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Andrew Carroll
Cody Danberg
Nick Kemp
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm
MacGregor Sharp

>DHW Eve

15 November 2008

>UMD 3, Red Menace 3

Tomorrow is the Drunk Hockey Walk. I don’t know what is going to happen, but for the safety of all parties, I think the team needs to hire some extra security.

Tonight was very typical of Wisconsin and all communists. Cheating to win. Interference non-call that led directly to their first goal. Poor widdle Jamie McBain was mysteriously in so much pain he couldn’t even skate when Wisconsin was down 5 on 3… and then managed to play a ton of minutes for the rest of the game! The trainer barely even came over and talked to him. Guess the trainer didn’t get the memo about How To Fake An Injury. Eaves will beat him later. I think Eaves wanted to beat me, too. That is because Campion didn’t call a penalty and I screamed “ARE YOU BLIND? IS EAVES GOING TO BEAT YOU LATER?” Blake Geoffrion charging my sweet little Jacky. (I forgot what the hand signal was for charging, so when I saw it all I could think was “false start?”)

Also, Power Play. We have to talk. We are not going to score goals on the power play when THREE of our guys are behind the goal line and the other two are up at the blue line. Let’s not do that.

I’m ready for two points tomorrow night, sweeties. Let’s do it. I’ll help, if necessary.

The Numbers
Wins until we equal last season’s total: 8
Points until we equal last season’s total: 19!

My Guys
MacGregor Sharp: 12!
Jack Connolly: 7
Michael Gergen: 4
Rob Bordson: 0

Freshmen
Mike Connolly: 10! (What a SNIPER!)
Jack Connolly: 7
Scott Kishel: 0
Brady Lamb: 0
Travis Oleksuk: 0
David Grun: 0 (But was super close to having his first Bulldog goal!)

On Notice:
Rob Bordson
Jay Cascalenda
Jordan Fulton
Kyle Schmidt
Alex Stalock

Goals Only
Andrew Carroll
Jack Connolly
Cody Danberg
Chad Huttel
Mike Montgomery
Trent Palm
MacGregor Sharp

>Dr. StrangeGlove

13 November 2008

>or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love When Stalock Plays The Puck*

Friday, November 14th. Late afternoon. Somewhere in Northern Minnesota.

It’s the height of the Cold War. Brigadier General Scott Sandelin has discovered a communist plot to overthrow the city of Duluth. “They are bringing us down from the inside,” he insists to his Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colonel Watson, Lt. Colonel Rohlik, Major May, Captain Larson, Commander Hoppe, and Private First Class Hoagy. “Those commie bastards are making the DECC fall apart!”

Silence. Then CAPT Larson says, “Uhhh, General? I don’t know if…” but sort of trails off. COL Watson finishes for him, “Yeah, Coach, that is, I mean, General… the DECC has been falling apart for years. Like, in 1984. It was falling apart then.” And General Sandelin is all, “Whatever dude, I was at North Dakota then… but I’M NOT A FASCIST!!!!” The last part, delivered in a booming voice normally reserved for times when a team gives up 3 goals in the first period and plays like total crap against some no-name freshman goalie, takes the rest of the war room aback. “The commies are going to attack tonight. I have reliable intel that says Premier Eaves is planning on launching an all-out nuclear assault on the harbor tonight. We have to act fast and nuke them before they nuke us. There’s no time for argument.” And he forces LTCOL Rohlik to turn his launch key so they can activate their arsenal.

Addressing his forces later on, General Sandelin gives a rousing speech. “Your Commie has no regard for human life, not even of his own. For this reason men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or in strength. He may even appear in the form of our own players. But however we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to the offensive zone. Now, I’m going to give you THREE SIMPLE rules: First, trust NO one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 20 feet of the goal crease is to be FIRED UPON; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions later. I would sooner accept a few penalties through “accidents” rather losing the entire game through carelessness. Any variation on these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the eight years it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the nation is counting on us. We’re not going to let them down. Good luck to you all.”

President Bob Nygaard finds out about this from MAJ May, and is disturbed. “Major May, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.” “That’s right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so,” MAJ May answers nervously. “And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it’s beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.” Pres. Nygaard realizes the severity of this situation and calls upon the mysterious Dr. StrangeGlove, who wears a black goalie glove that sometimes attempts to strangle him or snatch a phantom puck out of the air. Dr. StrangeGlove informs the President of how desperate their circumstances are. Evidently, the Red Army has a Doomsday Device, which will automatically destroy all life on earth if ~~the Soviet Union~~ Wisconsin was destroyed. So, while an entire fleet of wings and defencemen are ready to destroy the Red Army, they have no idea that they are about to destroy the entire world as well.

Pres. Nygaard manages to recall all but one of the B52s from its mission. However, there is one man who cannot be stopped, who is hell-bent on destroying the commies at any cost.

*Ok, that’s a lie. Nothing could possibly make me stop worrying. I worry whenever the puck is anywhere near the net. The only time I’m ever calm when a puck is near a net is when it’s our opponent’s.