>America, Jr.
>
Anyway, Canada also has lots of amazing stuff. Their national anthem is AWESOME. According to Mike it is also the UMD fight song.
Other things about Canada that are awesome:
Childrens programmes:
Junior hockey:
Dapper sportscasters:
Heavy metal gods:
>Goal Oriented
>
A few times when I was in school my teachers would have me write down my goals for the year at the start of the semester. When I was in elementary school it was suck up things like “Get everything right on my tests.” I succeeded. In junior high they were more sarcastic like “Don’t be stupid” or “get a boyfriend.” Again, success. In high school when I took the PSATs I wrote on my answer booklet (which I would get back after I got the results of my test a few months later) “If you don’t get National Merit honors, you might as well kill yourself.” And I’m alive, so, again, success!
I’m good at setting goals, as you can see. So, AS ALWAYS, I’m here to help tUMD players set some achievable goals for the season! Let’s go!
Drew Akins
Take only good penalties. I know you can’t resist, but please, either 1. prevent goals or 2. emasculate opponents when you take penalties. Make them useful!
Chase Ryan
Play in some games! Maybe just a couple. I would totally cheer so hard for you. Biddco would be overcome with glee.
Travis Oleksuk
Get a goal EARLY. I mean, I know you’re going to score a goal this season, many goals in fact, but get one the first game and get it over with. Then destroy all opponents.
Brady Hjelle
Make PBHjT a HUGE success by getting a shutout, or at the very LEAST, a win. No more of this tying LSSU to start the season. I WANT A WIN.
Jordan Fulton
Do what MacGregor Sharp did last year. You’re talented. You’re going to be on a great line, I’m pretty sure. And this is what’s known as a “contract year.” So have on. Beersong thinks you will.
Rob Bordson
End your exceptionally long pointless streak. And try not to look so sulky all the time.
Brady Lamb
Shoot the puck so hard it goes through the back of the net. Like Mike Eaves thought Tom Gorowsky did when Stalock fell down in that UW game. But Goro had just missed.
Mighty Midgets (Jacky, MCON, Wade Bergman, Huttel)
Play (as you three veterans always do) like you’re 10 feet tall and bullet proof. Jordan Baker told me it was great to be short. And he’s shorter than all of you!
Dan Delisle
Check someone so hard they fall into their own bench.
The rest of you? Uhhh… just do your best. Or even better. If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything*.
*That’s good advice, Marty.
>One If By Land, Two If By Sea
>
It’s that time of year when UMD plays a team of middle-aged men with wives, kids, and mortgages. Also known as Canadian college hockey players. Last year, when UMD played the Thunderwolves, there was a 30 year old on their roster. I am not even 30. Thankfully.
This year UMD will be playing the Thunderbirds on Saturday. Canadian universities are not very creative! I hope there is a university out there called the Thunderlizards. Can I get a what! what! from the brontosauri up in here? Maybe there is also one called the Thunderplatypi. A platypus would be a great mascot.
These “T-birds,” as they have dubbed themselves, are certainly elusive. Their website sucks. There is no information there. They did beat a team called the Ooks recently. I don’t even know how to respond to that. They are playing Calgary’s AHL affiliate on Wednesday, which I find odd. It sucks that we will get them when they are already demoralized. Josh Meyers will take care of that. They are also going to be playing the Gophers.
I don’t understand why these teams come play. I mean, they pretty much embarrass themselves every year. It’s weird that they don’t just go play Mercyhurst or Suckmidji.
I was hoping to find their roster, but no such luck. And there is a very strange sound coming from somewhere in my house. It sounds like a jackhammer. I have to go now.
>Sunday Evening Coming Down
>
At least next Sunday we’ll have hockey to discuss! So exciting!
I’m stressing out though. Who thought PBHjT would be so much stress??? I mean, it’s just a banana suit. And a few hundred t-shirts that will be confiscated when we try to sell them at the DECC. And bail money when I get arrested for flipping my lid when said t-shirts are confiscated and I realize that I’ve just had to eat about two grand.
I HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THIS, PEOPLE.
So, if you work for the DECC, or know someone who works for the DECC, or one of the cops at the DECC, or someone in the UMD administration, do me a solid and tell them to lay off PBHjT, okay? We’re going to end up donating most of the proceeds to UMD hockey or something anyway.
And if I DO get arrested, please don’t chant “Na na na-na, Na na na-na, hey hey hey, Go-od bye!” It’s the least you can do.
(P.S. Hi Mom and Dad! I know you love it when I post about stuff like this!)
>Requiem for a Season
>
The labels are pretty discreet, so I don’t know if any of you noticed, but somewhere between Thursday and Friday we reached a point of inflection, where the Off-Season label dropped off and the very first Sixth Season label appeared in its place.
Before looking to the future, let’s travel back to last season.
Yes, it really happened. No, I still can’t believe it. Yes, I still get chills.
The first game of the West regional was one of the greatest days of my life. The Final Five championship would have been another of those days had I not been in the midst of my final exams. But the regional was incredible, not just because of the game’s outcome, but the entire experience. I’d say the planning and execution of the signs and the togas and the cheers/chants is what ultimately inspired us to do Peanut Butter Hjelle Time!!! (It is only properly punctuated with three exclamation points.) A little organization and planning can go a long way toward increasing the atmosphere at a game, and if UMD isn’t going to promote their own product, someone has to.
The last season was really a turning point for RWD. It was the first season I was able to make it to a majority of games, so it changed the way I was able to experience the games. In years past I’d only been able to listen to the games on the radio or sometimes not at all. I made 23 games last season and I am pretty certain I caught every other game, whether it was on B2 or just the radio. I know it seems like I have no life, but I work over 40 hours a week and have school for another 8-12, so I just have no social life.
Which isn’t entirely true, because I met a lot of incredible people last year. UMD has amazing fans, and I’m not discounting the people I have met in seasons past, but the friends I’ve made over the past year have augmented the already awesome Bulldog hockey atmosphere. I don’t want to name names because I don’t want to leave anyone out, and like I said, I don’t want to detract from the folks I’ve known for years. I don’t know the guys on the ice, and they don’t know me, and it’s partially by design and partially by accident, and they’re only there for four years, tops. I’ll be able to come to Bulldog games in 10 years with a lot of the same people and we can laugh about how we KAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!d at the Miami band or when one of Mitch’s Misfits told Biddco he sounded like an anorexic dog.
I don’t know how last season can be topped. I mean, other than the obvious NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Some of you who voted in the first of my trio of polls the other night abstained from the second and third, I noticed. (FYI, it appears Keegan Flaherty is the most highly-anticipated non-Dylan Olsen freshman, with every guy receiving at least one vote. Antti Miettinen and Chase Ryan are tied in the Biddco Dead Ringer poll.)
I do know that a lot of guys are gone, and they took a lot of offensive firepower and defensive prowess. But they left their legacy. Those guys were fighters. As freshmen they willed a 9th place team to the Final Five and as seniors they battled to a Final Five championship and an NCAA win. Do you think the remaining guys on the team didn’t notice? Or participate? The seniors that left came from a class that had to mature early, and we’ve got another group of freshmen and sophomores who will also have to.
What the senior class has reminded me, and what I hope they have also imparted to all of you, is to never give up on this team. More than any other college hockey team, UMD has surprised and overachieved. One of the hardest things about rooting for a team that’s not a perennial powerhouse is remaining hopeful despite game after game and season after season of disappointment, but we simply must keep believing the next crazy win is a week or a day away. Negativity is a plague that can decimate a fan base, and we can’t afford to see that at UMD. Not after last season, not with the new season coming, and not as long as we have a team on the ice who play their best and give it all they’ve got and wear their jerseys with pride and respect.
There are 18 guys on this team who were a part of the team last year and had a hand in the successes (yes, all of them, whether they were scoring with 42 seconds left in the Princeton game or jostling for a spot in the lineup, everyone contributed) and I’m sure they are pretty certain they’re going to have a great year. I’m ready to see who is going to be the next MacGregor Sharp, who tripled his point outcome. I’m ready to see PBHj continue the goaltending excellence UMD has enjoyed for the better part of a decade. I’m ready to see Brady Lamb or Scott Kishel take the same strides Oberg did from freshman to sophomore year (although thankfully neither will have to break a leg in the process.)
I love to think about all the craziness from last year, but I’ve got to start looking ahead to this season, which is SEVEN DAYS AWAY!
>Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
>
I don’t know. If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay there will be double.
PROS
1. BULLDOG HOCKEY!!!
2. I would get to work out my tweeting at games.
3. I could distribute some of the PBHjT shirts.
4. I already have tickets.
CONS
1. I’ve never driven up to Duluth after work and been on time for a game.
2. It’s an exhibition game, does it really matter?
3. Most of my friends won’t be at the game.
4. Stupid construction on 35 slows down the drive.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I don’t know what to do! Help!
>Pret-a-Porter
>
Since I am a fan of UMD Athletics, UMD Hockey, the UMD Bulldogs AND UMD Stores on Facebook, I learned that according to Seventeen magazine (which no one who is 17 actually reads, btw; by that time gals have graduated to Cosmo), fall fashions include furry vests, “luxe” faux-leather minis, hideous lipstick colors, and UMD hockey t-shirts.
A Peanut Butter Hjelle Time shirt would be a better option. Only $10. Just sayin’…
>Thanks For The Memories
>
But let me take a minute and thank Jeff Papas.
I know this isn’t a particularly popular opinion, but realize that Ciskie’s firing didn’t have anything to do with Jeff’s hiring. More like the other way around. Someone had to do the job, which isn’t easy to work around, with the travel schedule, especially since not many employers are that forgiving about time off.
It also could not have been easy to take a job when its previous occupant was very popular and was let go in such a controversial manner. People in the community were angry about it, and Bruce was popular with the players and the staff, who probably also weren’t happy with what went down.
I think Jeff did a good job. I tried to listen without letting my friendship with Bruce bias me, and though he certainly wasn’t perfect, he was articulate, and I definitely caught hints of a dry wit. He reminded me more of an old-school announcer, kind of like the Wild’s play-by-play radio guy. I certainly think he cared about the job, and enjoyed doing it, and he improved his schtick in a very short time. He enquired about the position for this season, which shows just how much he liked the job.
Thanks, Jeff, for stepping up when unfortunate circumstances left UMD without an announcer. It was a helluva season for all of us.
>It’s A Great Day To Be Alive
>
RWD: So, how does it feel?
BC: Super. We waited until like the last few minutes, but that’s okay. The outcome makes it all worth it.
RWD: Are you doing this alone, or will you have a cohost/color person? And is that color person me? [!!!]
BC: I honestly don’t know for sure what we’ll do yet. A lot of that is up to The Fan.
RWD: So there’s a chance for me! [If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Honey I’m still free, take a chance on me. RWD-aoke!]
BC: I’m relatively certain I won’t be alone, at least for home games.
RWD: I’m there for you. [Doin’ more overtime than BTO. Canada’s answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That’s how we talked in the ’70s. We didn’t have a moment to spare.]
BC: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance??!!”
RWD: A 9% chance. [High Fidelity reference!]
BC: Of course. [Don’t patronize me!]
RWD: Anything else new this year?
BC: Good question. I’m going to have to get back to you on that. I’m guessing there will be similar flavor to last year before the changes were made, but I haven’t really taken time to figure all that out yet.
RWD: How about interviewing the guys in the shower? I know you said you didn’t do that last time I interviewed you. But it might spice things up.
BC: Well, that probably won’t be happening. The equipment doesn’t like getting wet, or something.
RWD: Er… Unintentional porn there. [I’ve never seen equipment that… no, not going there. Not gonna do it. Nnnnnnnnnoooootttttttttttt gonna do it.]
BC: Well, you did lead the witness.
RWD: Are you doing any high school games this year?
BC: Unknown. I’m certainly willing and able if they need someone to pitch in and help. I haven’t been asked, though.
RWD: What about the Coaches’ show?
BC: I have no idea. Boy, I’m full of details, right?
RWD: This interview sucks. I can’t believe I thought it was a scoop! You should bring back the giveaways. I want to win a pizza at the Lakeview Castle or skate sharpening. Well, let’s move on. Back to nude showering.
BC: aaarrrgh
RWD: Who do you wish you’d profiled last year?
BC: The freshmen.
RWD: Specifically.
BC: All of them. I feel almost like I’m stepping in to a whole new team.
RWD: These damn kids keep getting younger and younger, don’t they? [RWD = the female David Wooderson.]
BC: Well, yeah, and I keep getting older. But at least I know what Twitter is.
RWD: There’s no Ryan Geris to keep you feeling relevant.
BC: No, but there’s Justin May, who’s actually older than Ryan Geris.
RWD: He is not a player. [WTF. That’s like saying “Well, there’s Dick Stewart.”]
BC: That’s fine. He’s still around all. the. time. [And you love it.]
RWD: He can do the play by play again.
BC: And he’d probably be less rusty than I’ll be.
RWD: er, the color [oops]
BC: (WARNING: Oct. 3 is exhibition not only for players and officials, but for announcers.)
RWD: Just don’t exhibit anything we don’t want to see.
BC: Definitely.
RWD: Did watching in the stands change the way you’re going to approach the broadcast?
BC: I’ve thought about that. I don’t think so. I was already fully aware of the passion of Bulldog fans. They’re smart people, and they want their team to win. I’m sure I’ll be the same guy I was before. I did the “stands to booth” transition once already, so hopefully this goes a little more smoothly. Though I’m certain I’ll be more nervous than the players next Saturday.
RWD: The game’s Friday.
BC: No, the exhibition game is Saturday.
RWD: Lol. Just trying to throw you off your game.
BC: I’m not that easy.
RWD: I expect a full explanation of the attainable pass rule in the first five minutes of the broadcast.
BC: How can I explain something I don’t understand?
RWD: You had plenty of time to figure it out.
BC: I’ve only been gone for a few months, not five years. I do need to step up my research and learn more about the points of emphasis and such for the coming season.
RWD: So last year. During the Princeton game. Do you really think you could have held it together?
BC: Hell no. That’s ridiculous.I’m pretty sure I would have called for reinforcements for the Miami game, because there’s no way I could have worked. Old-school fans might remember Kerry almost completely losing his voice during the playoff comeback against the Gophers in 1998. That would have been me, only with a game the next night instead of three days off. PAIN.
RWD: I thought you were at that game. How would you have known?
BC: I was at that game, but I worked with Kerry at the time and heard the highlights. It was scary how bad his voice got. But when you think about how rare a game like that is, you just accept the consequences of giving it your all and losing your voice. It’s not much different than the three-OT game in St. Cloud, which I did by myself. I was almost literally unable to speak the next day. [The grammar in this sentence is offensive.]
RWD: That ending sucked. Would you have broken your no-swearing streak?
BC: No. I’m pretty well-trained not to swear on the air.
RWD: Me too. Sober, at least. [Somewhere in the basement of KFAI there’s some tapes to contradict that.]
BC: That’s good. You never want to get a radio station fined or in more trouble than that over a simple lack of self-control. [Sometimes it’s not so simple.]
RWD: I have excellent self control. Especially at hockey games. I’m quiet, restrained, polite. A perfect lady. [Extremely long pause.] You have no comment on this.
Mrs. BC: He’s in the kitchen making Hunter’s lunch… Hi by the way.
RWD: Lol, I’m leaving this in.
[another pause]
BC: So no questions for me… loving wife who lives with the sports freak?
RWD: Hahah. Will this make Bruce more or less moody about games?
BC: I don’t think it will make a difference…. He’s always moody with his sports. He’s back now so I’ll hand it back to him.
RWD: I was just talking about my demeanor at games.
BC: I saw. You lied. [NEVER] It’s like me saying that I’ve never called out a ref for making a correct call just because I didn’t like the call.
RWD: I’m kind and gentle with the opponents.
BC: And I’m Nick Punto.
RWD: You wish.
BC: Actually, I’m probably a better hitter. (blindfolded) [What are you smoking??? I’ve never seen Bruce do anything athletic.]
RWD: What excites you most about this season? [Trying to get back to hockey…]
BC: I’m more like Prince Fielder, without the really baggy pants and the tattoo on my neck. And the prolific 40-home run power. [And the hypnotic jelly rolls around the middle] And the ability to charge into other teams’ locker rooms. [No, Bruce, don’t sell yourself short. I know you could do that one.]
RWD: Let’s talk about a team whose season isn’t OVER.
BC: The Brewers have like 10 games left, just like the Teasing Twins do.
RWD: I think I’ve seen that movie. [Bow-chicka-bow-bow!]
BC: Anyway, you were saying? [TEN MINUTES AGO]
RWD: What excites you most about this season?
BC: Same things that excite me about every season. Seeing the freshmen from last year get better and grow more consistent facial hair. [Some of them can only dream of that.] Watching new leaders step up. The concepts remain the same, but the names change. You know that there will be freshmen on this team that are ready to play before the others, and some will make a huge impact. No matter how last year went, hope always springs eternal when the season starts. When you’re coming off a league playoff title, there is more reason for hope.
RWD: Who are you going to profile first?
BC: I’ll probably do the usual and talk to the upperclassmen first. Especially the three who have the honor of serving as captains/assistant captains. [Well, that’s dumb. You just said you regretted not profiling the freshmen.]
RWD: Like Drew!
BC: Yes.
RWD: He’s on my fantasy team.
BC: Super.
RWD: So are Dylan Olsen, Jacky, and PBHj.
BC: That’s a biased team, but a good one. SHOCKING that JCon would be on your team.
RWD: I know! Such a good player. It’s not biased. Dirty has 5 Sioux guys. And this other idiot has 6.
BC: I would have drafted him just so I could hold it over your head until you offered me Jordan Schroeder and Patrick Wiercioch for him.
RWD: I don’t have Schroeder.
BC: Oh, yeah, you PASSED ON JORDAN SCHROEDER.
RWD: Not on purpose.
BC: That’s even worse. At least you could talk yourself into thinking it was a good idea if you did it on purpose.
RWD: I have a good team.
BC: Now you’re going to kick yourself in the head every time Schroeder scores a goal.
RWD: He’ll tear an ACL.
BC: Ha.
RWD: What’s your season prediction?
BC: I picked them 5th in a media poll conducted by folks in Madison. I’d offer up a link, but it hasn’t been published yet.
[pause]
BC: Eergh, I picked them 5th.
[pause]
BC: FOURTH.
RWD: So, 5th?
BC: Yes. Fourth. 5th. [What?]
RWD: Behind DU, UND, and UAA, right?
BC: 1. Denver; 2. UND; 3. Wisky; 4. UMD; 5. Minny; 6. SCSU; 7. CC; 8. UAA; 9. MSU; 10. MTU. I have Dylan Olsen as my Freshman/Rookie of the Year.
RWD: Bah! no! That’s terrible! My Jacky was picked as pre-season ROY.
BC: Jinx?
RWD: Are you ready for PEANUT BUTTER HJELLE TIME!!!?
BC: I wonder how many times I’m going to have to stop myself from saying “Stalock” during a game.
RWD: None.
BC: Can’t wait to watch Brady play.
RWD: Because you won’t get confused.
BC: I’m pretty easily confused.
RWD: Brady will actually be in the crease.
BC: What’s the crease?
[crickets]
RWD: A joke gone bad? [Yes. Leave it to the professionals, Bruce.]
BC: Like all of mine.
RWD: That’s what I was getting at.
BC: Oh, I have a million of them. Prepare for a season of ref taunts and bad jokes!
Hear that? Those are the groans of the Red Rocks managers realizing they’ve made a big mistake. (J/k, Bruce, as long as you keep calling the Mavs “MANKATO STATE” I’m with ya.)
>NUM3ER5
>
This year I’m going to expand upon the Numbers, as well as have a box in the sidebar for them. Maybe.
Here’s what’s the same:
1. Wins/points until we surpass last season’s total
2. My Guys competition
3. Freshman competition
4. On Notice
Here’s what’s new:
1. Connolly vs. Connolly, points-wise
2. Olsen vs. Olson, points wise
3. Drew vs. Drew, penalty minutes-wise
Some of these might be a little unfair (please, Drew has made an office out of the penalty box. He sharpens pencils for the scorekeeper and has an I Heart My Yorkie coffee mug and a framed photo of MEg in there.) but it’s kind of fun that there are so many repeated names. I can pretty much assume the next recruit UMD signs is also going to be named Brady Hjelle. But he’ll be a centre.
Runnin' With the Dogs 
