Runnin' With the Dogs

>FINALLY, the last team. I was going to do the Gophers list earlier, but oh my god, I almost fell asleep. So I left it to the last. Bad mistake. It’s after midnight, and I still have to write my preview.

I don’t think I’ll be doing this next year. It sucks.

The Good
THERE IS NO ONE GOOD. I didn’t even give out a “pity” good.

The Bad
RJ Anderson and Tyler Hirsch are wearing the same tie. Whose is it?
Someone put a bowl on Ryan Flynn‘s head, and cut his hair around it. I think Evan Kauffman shaved about 1 minute before this picture was taken, and he still grew back stubble.
This team is like the Revenge of the Nerds. Tri-Lams at UMTC include Tom Pohl, Mike Vanelli, Ryan Stoa, Brent Solei, Jim O’Brien, Jeff Frazee, Mike Carman, and David Fischer. I feel like they would rather have a LAN party or an Obfuscated Code Contest than play hockey.
Continuing the Life Imitates Mascots theme, Justin Bostrom looks like Goldy, while Derek Peltier reminds me of Champ. Tony Lucia should consider himself lucky he didn’t inherit the Sonic the Hedgehog gene.
Jay Barriball is “L-I-V-I-N,” and looks like Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused. Kellen Briggs looks like a convict.
Alex Goligoski was once a hottie. What happened, man? The only people who were even close this year were Mike Howe and Blake Wheeler. What would have happened if Kyle Okposo had only smiled???
Erik Johnson just looks… weird. And Ben Gordon and Brian Schack Failed To Impress.


The Ugly
I guess there isn’t anyone specifically “ugly” either. I did give a few pity “not uglies” though.

OH MY GOD. I FINISHED. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. NEVER AGAIN!

So, that means next year, players won’t be LINKING TO ME from their FACEBOOK PROFILES.

>Last year, when no one from St. Cloud made the All-Hottie team, someone commented, “I guess SCSU is a bunch of uggos.” I would argue that, on the whole, that’s true, but there’s a few glimmers of hope.

The Good
Matt Hartman has really stepped it up this year, and although he’s probably not going to make the top Hottie list this year, he’s still lookin’ pretty good. Marty Mjelleli and David Carlisle did, too. I guess they don’t like the term freshman at St. Cloud, possibly because of the “man” suffix, so they say “First Year.” Well, “First Year” Ryan Peckskamp is also on the Good list.

The Bad
As always, there are People Who Look Like Famous People. Da Huskies have John Swanson, who reminds me of Steve from Sex and the City, and Ryan Lasch, who looks like Andy Gibb. Someone who no longer resembles a celebrity is Aaron Brocklehurst, who I once though looked like Jim Morrison. Alas, no more.
In the People Who Look Like Non-Famous People I Know category, Bobby Goepfert channels The Alleged Webmaster’s current co-worker, who drunkenly promised to follow the Bulldogs this year in order to understand their greatness. This person also yelled “I HOPE DENVER WINS” at me after I yelled at him while listening to the second game of the WCHA first round playoffs this March.
I know MeanEGirl is dying inside because I didn’t pick Casey Borer for the list, but how many times do I have to say, you can supply photographic evidence to support your cause. I just don’t see it.
Ever have one of those facial tics where your eye twitches? Craig Gaudet had one during his picture. I think Andreas Nodl is trying to sell me a car that has “speed holes” in it and sawdust in the gas tank. Matt Stephenson is possibly a robot.
AJ Gale and Grant Clafton must have had a late night prior to picture day, and it shows. Justin Fletcher and Chris Anderson scare me.
Jon Ammerman, Garrett Raboin, Nate Raduns, and Gary Houseman were close to making the Good list. Andrew Gordon and Jake Weslosky confused me: are they hott and have a bad picture? Or nott? Something’s not quite right. I wasn’t confused at all about BJ O’Brien though. Definitely the Bad list. Count Nate Dey on the “Failed To Impress” list.
I think Michael Olson‘s birthdate has a typo. It should read 5/17/74, not 84.

The Ugly
Sweet Mother of Mercy, Dan Kronick is even more ugly than last year.

>We’re in the home stretch, people!

I have to say, my biggest complaint about CC has been a serious lack of effort. This is the same crap that happened two years ago, when I started the Hottie Team. I swear they took their pictures right after practice. You’ll understand why.

The Good
There’s only one entry on the CC Good list, and it’s Dan Quilico, and I’m sure people will disagree. But you know what? Make your own damn list. Oh yes, the claws are comin’ out.

The Bad
If I put one brother on the Bad list, I’ve gotta put the other one, too. It’s only fair. So sorry, Lee Sweatt, you were close this year, and sorry, Bill Sweatt, but you’re just too young-looking. (No, Anonymous Poster, I do NOT like Aaron Carter.) There’s always next year… for one of you, at least. That also means Mike Testwuide is S.O.L., too.
I guess CC is the place to play hockey after you’ve gotten out of prison, as Brandon Polich, Chris Kawano, Scott McCulloch and Braydon Cox all look like they’ve done hard time.
Non-celebrity look-alikes include Kris Fredheim, who looks like a Navy buddy of mine, except cracked out; Chad Rau, who looks like this kid who worked in the Nuclear Radiation Lab with me, if that kid had brown hair instead of blonde; Cody Lampl, who looks eerily like Marco Peluso; and Nate Prosser, who reminds me somewhat of my sister-in-law’s ex-boyfriend, a man who once told me “Dale Earnhardt is the greatest man who ever lived,” without a drop of sarcasm in his voice.
Brandon Straub must have been the first person to have his picture taken, since it looks like he just took his helmet off. The rest of the guys had a little time to at least do some finger combing, or use one of those black combs you get for free during school pictures. UMDDogz knows all about those.
Jack Hillen and James Brannigan look really, really old for college hockey. Matt Zaba not only looks old, but also very ’70s, which makes sense, because doesn’t it seem like he’s been at CC for, like, 30 years?
On the flip side, there are so many young-looking guys on this team I was thinking it was a Pee-Wee team. Addison DeBoer, Brian Connelly, Matt Overman, Andreas Vlassopoulous and Brian McMillin (and the aforementioned Billy Sweatt) all look like freshmen… in high school.
It seems like Jake Gannon and Derek Patrosso had a bad practice, as they are totally grumpy-looking. Maybe Scott Thauwald could cheer them up, as he looks like he is a funny, funny man.
Drew O’Connell is going to get off easy, as I couldn’t think of a sassy remark for him. Lucky you, man. Oh wait, how about: you look like Bucky Badger, too.

The Ugly
Jimmy Kilpatrick once speared a Bulldog player, and thus he resides on the Uggo list.

>Well, it’s snowing here, and I’m still bringing you top notch investigative reporting. This post features our defending national champions.

The Good
Okay, let me tell you: this was not fun. The only WCHA All-Hottie Team Member from UW last year was AJ Degenhart, and he’s not around anymore. All I could come up with was Davis Drewiske and Matt Ford, and I’m not exactly jumping up and down about those choices.

The Bad
Let me tell you: it’s never good to resemble your own mascot, and both Michael Davies and Brian Elliott do. Speaking of Elliotts, Jake Dowell reminds me of David James Elliott, aka Harmon Rabb, Jr. from JAG. And though Jeff Likens looks nothing like The Fonz, doesn’t it seem like he’s saying “Heyyyyyy!”? Sit on it. And what would our ’70s flashback be without Jamie McBain, whose doppelganger I saw in my dad’s 1974 Duluth East yearbook.
Are we tired of all the segues yet? Well, now I got nothin’.
Josh Engel doesn’t look like anyone you might have heard of, but he looks like someone I know. And that person only wears leather, never leaves his house without gauntlets on his wrists, and sings Megadeth’s “Symphony of Destruction” at any karaoke event. Joe Piskula also looks like someone I know, who is unfortunately nicknamed “The Boy” because he is a man-child, and the only thing he is good at is playing bass guitar.
I was really disappointed in Jack Skille, because I thought he’d be hot. I don’t know why, I guess it just sounds like the name a hot person would have. However, Runnin’ With The ‘Dogs sounds like a website run by a hack who lives in a van down by the river, so I guess I shouldn’t talk. (And yet, I have wireless internet!)
Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes, so it’s tough luck for Ross Carlson, Kyle Klubertanz, and Aaron Bendickson, all of whom could have made the Good list if not for… well, I’m not quite sure. But it was something.
It was a cruel trick to surprise Jeff Henderson by popping up with the camera without a warning. I’d probably look like that, too. And someone, preferrably with red curly hair, should remind Andy Bohmbach that you’re never fully dressed without a smile.
What would a Bad list be without a Jutting relative? Ben Grotting must be a very very distant cousin, to make the Bad list and not the Ugly one.
And of course, a common category on the Bad list is either people who look way too young (Blake Geoffrion, Nigel Williams, Ben Street [except for the semi-mustache], Zach Bearson, and Ryan Jeffery) or way too old (Matt Olinger or Andy Brandt. And Andrew Joudrey looks like he has played in the NHL since before they made helmets mandatory.) to be playing college hockey.
Okay, the snarkiness is wearing on me. I’m so glad I’ve only got 3 more schools to go. Uggggh, that’s still a lot of players. Anyway, moving along, I think the Mystery Machine is missing one passenger in John Mitchell.
And finally, because I just seriously can’t think of anything else to make boring-looking people sound at least interesting, we have our entrants in the Failed To Impress category: Shane Connelly and Tom Gorowsky. Believe it or not, there were quite a few more names in that mini-list ten minutes ago.

The Ugly
The good thing about most of your players being relatively boring-looking is getting no one banished to the ugly list.

…and, I’m spent. I’m hoping to finish this up tomorrow, but oh my god is it driving me crazy. Just be thankful, comrades, because it’s all for you.

>I call this the Where My Girls At edition, in honor of MeanEGirl and LetsGoMavs.

First up: Michigan Tech Huskies. I have to apologize for these links, because they go to the team’s yearbook, so they are pdf files and sort of annoying. Especially if you don’t have Adobe Acrobat, but seriously, if you don’t have it, you probably don’t have a computer.

The Good
All right, lets start with the best of the best: goalie Rob Nolan. Goalies tend to be either hott (i.e. Jake Brandt, Nate Lawson, etc) or nott (i.e. Isaac Reichmuth, yeesh!), and Rob is sizzling!
Taking a red shirt last season allowed Malcolm Gwilliam to cultivate a Beatles-like haircut that nearly kept him off the list, but his smile got to me. Joining Malcolm on the list are sophomores Ryan Angelow, who barely made the cut, and Mike VanWagner, as well as junior Tyler Shelast, he of the perfectly messy hair and impish smile.
Incoming freshmen Ryan Bunger and Drew Dobson, who looks like Kyle Lohse. Let’s hope he doesn’t behave the same way, too.

The Bad
In the Close But No Cigar category, we have Alex Gagne, Jimmy “Not The One Who Went to RWD’s High School” Kerr, Alex Lord and Geoff Kinrade, who could both be Hotties come next season, and the malicious Mark Malekoff.
If I can’t see your picture, I can’t really judge you, John Kivisto. What are you hiding?
Phil Axtell and Jake Wilkens, why so blue, panda bears? Speaking of fuzzy animals, if Jordan Foote got those caterpillars waxed off, he might have a shot. And Kevin Hackey kind of resembles Goldy, which I suppose you could also consider a celebrity likeness. Speaking of celebrity likenesses, I think Justin St. Louis is trying to emulate Tiger Woods’ creepy facial expressions.
Lars Helminen looks like he took “Watch the birdie” seriously. Derek Kitti looks like this creepy kid I went to high school with.
I happen to think Michael-Lee Teslak could be good looking, but he has hair like he should be on a St. Pauli Girl bottle. Tyler Skworchinski looks like he took a shower, then jammed a baseball cap on his head, removing it nanoseconds before the photo was taken.
In the caveman look-alike contest, we have a clear winner in Peter Rouleau. Winning the Little Brother competition is Eli Vlaisavljevich.

The Ugly
I’m sorry, John Schwarz, but if you look like Troy Jutting’s son, there’s only one category for you.
Mike Batovanja looks like he is storing nuts for the winter. Potentially to feed his eyebrows.

Moving along, we’ve got the Mavericks from Mankato Minnesota State.

The Good
Getting this out of the way, I know I’d probably be harrassed nonstop if I didn’t put RJ Linder on the list. Good thing for Miss Mavs, I agree with her judgment. The only other entry on the Good list for MSU-M is Blake Friesen, and I think I was being kind here.

The Bad
Okay, so the first person I clicked on was Mike Zacharias, and I was like whoa, uggo. But then there was another Mike Zacharias link, which was very confusing. Will the real Mike Zacharias please stand up? I think I’ve got the right one, and he’s much less uggo than the faux Zacharias, who turned out to be Chris Clark. I think.
I know earlier this year someone was lobbying for Dan Tormey to be on the Hottie list, but I just don’t see it. Sorry, girl.
In our Celebrity Look-Alike contest, we have James Gaulrapp, who looks like that Ryan Wolff guy who no one likes on CSI: Miami, and Ryan Gunderson, who reminds me of Jay Leno. Hey, Steven Wagner could be an extra on Prison Break. Jon Kalinski somewhat resembles Mr. Ed.
I guess the team photos were taken at, like, 5:00 a.m. after a night of hard drinking, because Lucas Fransen and Jason Wiley look like they just woke up. Brian Kilburg, Nick Canzanello, Joel Hanson, and Trevor Bruess didn’t even have time to do their hair (and it looks like Trevor put his bridge in crooked!) Zach Harrison and Mick Berge look like they were on a 3-day bender.
There were a few people who were close to the good list, such as Kael Mouillierat, Travis Morin (I have to say this, Miss Mavs will kill me otherwise), and Kurtis Kisio.
And then there were those close to the bad list, like Jerad Stewart and Geoff Irwin, who should know that shaved heads are not sexy (Right Said Fred is not too sexy for anything!), Matt Tyree, who looks decades older than his teammates, and the unfortunate Chad Brownlee (sorry about getting your head squished in a vice!).

The Ugly
Normally I haven’t been including coaches, but you can’t have Ugly without Troy Jutting. And Kevin Huck, who looks like he could also be Jutting’s son.

Okay, that’s enough for now. This is harder than it looks, people.

>Last year, Denver had one of the hottest hotties in the nation, Matt Carle, winner of the Hottie Hobey Baker Award. Carle is now in the NHL, so Denver has lost a lot of their hottness. Can they make it up with this year’s freshman class?

The Good
Perennial hottie Zach Blom, while still hott, will probably miss the All-Hottie Team this year, since he cut his hair, which is a tragedy. Freshman forward Tyler Ruegsegger joins the Good list this year. Freshman defender Keith Seabrook, while nowhere near Matt Carle’s hottness, also makes the Good list. Who knows? 3 years from now, he could be at the top of his game, too.
There were a few people last year who felt like I overlooked Pioneers goaltender Glenn Fisher, and evidently, I did. With a much better picture this year, he’s in the running for the All-Hottie Team. I mean, he’s got dimples!

The Bad
Several DU players were on the hottness bubble this year. I might have picked Cody Brockwell, if he didn’t look like he wore basketball jerseys as shirts and drove a Bronco with tricked out lighting that shakes with the bass from his stereo as he drives around campus. Steven Cook has been a hottie contender before, but there’s something I can’t put my finger on that holds him back from his true potential. Patrick Mullen has that same issue. If TJ Fast had cracked a smile, maybe he’d have made it. Same for Mike Handza. Somehow, I don’t think that would have helped Brandon Vossberg.
Remember, guys, hair is important. Brian Gifford should grow longer hair, so it covers his ears. J.D. Corbin could have made it if he didn’t have bed head. And Tom May should have showered more than 30 seconds before the photo was taken, or used a hair dryer.
Some people told me I should have included Chris Butler and Peter Mannino on the Hottie list last year, but I respectfully disagree. And I guess an argument could be made for J.P. Testwuide, Andrew Thomas, or Brock Trotter, but it wouldn’t be a very strong one.
And what would a Bad list be without a celebrity look-alike? This time it’s third-string goaltender Danny King, channeling Matthew Perry. Yeesh. I guess you could also include Julian Marcuzzi in this category, since he looks like Ogie Oglethorpe from Slap Shot. And Adrian Veideman looks like Dave “Killer” Carlson.
And then, there’s the “other” bubble. Where you just miss being on the Ugly list. Rhett Rakhshani, Ryan Dingle, Matt Glasser, and Ryan Helgason, you’re on notice.

The Ugly
The only member of the Pioneers team to make the Ugly list this year is the Big Ugly himself, Geoff Paukovich. Don’t think there will be any arguments to the contrary.

>Following up the UND Hottie Review, we look all the way up to Anchorage to see if, after one hundred years behind the mask, we’ve got any hotties.

The Good
RWD has always loved UAA goaltender Nathan Lawson, and this year is no exception. Who could resist that mischievous smile? Another perennial Hottie is Merit Waldrop, who is still hott, although he’s looked better. He’s lucky, since we’ve already seen it’s not easy to stay on the Hottie list.
Someone who has flown beneath the Hott Radar but suddenly appeared as a contact is junior Peter Cartwright. Rounding out the Good list are freshmen Ryan Berry, who reminds me of Mark McGrath, and Ken Selby, even though he looks a little scary with his boot camp haircut and thousand-yard stare.
I will say this, all the Seawolves looked sharp in their pictures. They might not have looked attractive, but they were all dressed nicely and looked very professional.

The Bad
Oh, there were a lot of them that didn’t quite cut it. Charlie Kronschnabel has been on the bubble for the past few seasons. If it wasn’t for that 5:00 shadow, Chris Tarkir might have made the cut. If his cheeks were just a touch less chubby, Mike Rosset could have made it. Next year could be Mat Robinson‘s year. If only Jay Beagle had just smiled.
Following with the “It’s bad to look like a celebrity” theme, Chad Anderson bears a striking resemblance to David Duchovny. And in the weird hair category, we have Paul Crowder.
And there were some that didn’t leave an impression. Kevin Clark, Nils Backstrom, Josh Lunden, Jon Olthuis, Trevor Hunt, or Jared Tuton, for example, which is understandable, since they’re freshmen. Don’t worry guys, this league will make men out of you, just wait and see. That doesn’t excuse Shane Lovdahl or Adam Corrin.
Finally, there were some that didn’t even come close to making it. Like, Luke Beaverson. Or the pasty Mark Smith. Maybe Justin “Soul Patch” Bourne. Thuggish Blair Tassone. Nick Lowe.

The Ugly
There weren’t any horribly offensive pictures this year, so the Seawolves squeaked by without any Uglies. Lucky for them.